Updating "The List"

When I went through my divorce that capped off my 20s and started my 30s, I had a therapist to help me try to make sense of this complete change of direction in my life. She was the type who gave homework, and one session she was like, "make a list of 20 things you want in an ideal partner." The point was to really examine what I wanted (and what I definitely did not), so that I would eventually make decisions on partners that were more in line with what I wanted my life to look like and what I felt I deserved. 

She told me I could not even consider a date with someone who had less than 10 attributes on the list, and I couldn't seriously date anyone lower than 15. It was daunting, especially as I felt pretty low about myself at the time, but I made my list. 

HOW I WISH I STILL HAD MY PAPER COPY OF THIS LIST. I should have framed the damn thing. 

I do remember enough that Bryce looked pretty good from the start, and then once I got to know him better, he ended up having 18 things on the list, which is a 90%. The only two he didn't have were a) like dancing (he will gladly do one slow dance with me, but fast dancing at weddings is alllll me), and b) buy me flowers (his engineer-then-scientist brain equates this to buying me decay, which is not romantic). 

Not a big deal, because I have no problem dancing by myself on the rare occasion that opportunity and mood strike together. Flowers? I can buy myself flowers. I get the whole "it's a slow death and dying exercise, how is that romantic???" but at the same time, flowers are lovely while they're not dead and I enjoy buying myself long-lasting bouquets out of passive aggressiveness. 

But, for my birthday this year, BRYCE BOUGHT ME AN ARRANGEMENT FROM A FLORIST! A new florist shop opened up near us and their signage by the street is always festooned in gorgeous fresh flower garlands. I hinted rather shamelessly that it would be lovely to have flowers appear from there sometime, and that I would even give the monies so it was me paying for decay and Bryce just picking out the slowly dying pretties. 

But on my birthday weekend, BOOM! Here was this gorgeous vessel with flowers (front and back): 

Note the very cute but very naughty photobomber. 

Huzzah! Bryce is now a 19/20 guy. It's important to note that I believe one of the list items was "want children," which he very much did, and obviously I did as well... but it just didn't come to pass. But with 19/20 wonderful, ambitious, sexy, outdoorsy, adventurous things on that list... I count myself as insanely lucky. I would far rather have an amazing life partner and no children than the reverse. 

Can't Get a Break

Behold. My new sassy footwear accessory for the next few weeks, at least. 

I am not in school for at least the next few days because I can't put any weight on my right foot, because I badly sprained my ankle and top of my foot. My right foot. My driving foot. 

I had x-rays galore Saturday morning at my orthopedic office's urgent care, and they didn't detect any fractures, which is good. Except Sunday I was walking in the boot and then sat down and then got up and holy moly it felt like something had moved WRONG. I took the boot off and my foot was way swollen along the right side of my foot up through my ankle, and so I am worried that something I did...did more to my foot. 

Oh, and the magic number is 50. They are required to ask you if you could be pregnant until you turn 50, or they notice in your chart that you don't have the required parts. I asked because they didn't ask this time which was a minor miracle and very much appreciated. Less than 2 years until that question stops! 

Anyway, you might be wondering, "how did you do this?" Was it a Pilates injury? Something while on a hike or a walk? 

Nope. 

I got up to pee around 3:30 am Friday night, opened the door to let the cat out of the room, went to the bathroom, and while walking back to my bed stepped on the cat I thought I'd let out, lost my balance and stepped on him AGAIN (he's fine), then rolled my ankle right off my orthotic slippers (Vionic, I highly recommend for ankle support but not for sliding out of sideways). Bryce was awoken first by the indignant caterwauling of Lucky, and then the shrieking of me as I stood on one leg like a broken flamingo and realized I could bear absolutely no weight and it was ON FIRE. 

Not the best start to a weekend. 

So, I could put some weight on it on Saturday and with the boot I felt more secure, but I'm using crutches and now I can't bear any weight at all while standing. So gallivanting around a middle school is going to be challenging. I need to get a scooter, but first I need to be able to flex enough to safely drive. I've been elevating like a good girl but that's simply not possible when I'm not home. 

OH! And I was supposed to go to my 30th high school reunion downstate this coming weekend, and that's no longer feasible either. I wonder how much of it would have been kids kids kids kids kids, and I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised, but now I guess I'll never know, or at least not until the 40th when I'm 58. Good gracious. 

Well, it is never boring to be me. I just wish I was a tad less breakable. Here's hoping I heal quickly and there's nothing weird going on that would make recovery longer. 

Turning 48

My birthday is Sunday. I will be 48. 

Everyone who has struggled with fertility knows that birthdays and ages weigh heavily when it seems like the end of possibility runs concurrent with the number of candles on your (possibly metaphorical) cake.

There is something freeing about age just being a number, an inching towards AARP, signaling my 30-year high school reunion (which I am attending in May), and...nothing else. 

I personally cannot wait until I am old enough that the x-ray technicians don't ask if I could be pregnant. 

What's 48? It's not quite 50. It's got me supposedly in perimenopause. Thanks to the gift of an exorcism/hysterectomy 6 years ago, I know this not because of irregular periods (ha, that's MY WHOLE LIFE with a dysfunctional uterus and ovaries), but because of the joy of hot flashes, night sweats, migraines, anxiety, mood swings... So many fun markers. Lots of people see this as an end of an era, of the door finally shutting on fertility. HA! That door slammed shut years ago, so there's no emotional tie-in for me. 

I did have to warn Bryce that the unpleasantness of Lupron was just a preview of menopause. He was oddly not excited about that. 

I am excited though, at the freedom of growing older without strings attached. I feel like because I know what it is like to dread a birthday, it is a glorious contrast to be like, "bring it on, birthday!" I can't wait to blow out some candles on my slice of gluten-free cake. 

I Think We Are the Couple from Up

Oh, Up. A movie that is lovely and funny but starts with the world's most traumatic montage (even just hearing the music can make me cry). What the hell, Pixar? Is it necessary to weave involuntary childlessness and moving forward from unspeakable grief only to lose your person in the end into the first 10 minutes of a KID'S MOVIE? 

Anyway. If ever I need to cry, I just watch that montage. I know the first time I saw the movie, I sobbed uncontrollably. 

But, we always joked about how we are like that couple, in a good way. They have such a beautiful relationship and just get each other. They read in chairs next to each other and hold hands. And then, when the horrible thing happens and they aren't going to be able to have children, that depiction of grief, of sitting in the chair just numb, wow. I feel that. Carl trying to help his wife heal while hurting himself? Oooof, yes. But then, they plan to go on adventures!  They have a travel book to fill! They have a savings jar! So! Much! Hope! 

It's funny, because my first birthday after we had decided we weren't going to continue with adoption and we were going to be childless forever, Bryce gave me a whole bunch of travel-related things. A how to pack, a how to travel, Atlas Obscura, and a travel journal. And we made plans, seven years ago (almost exactly!) in 2017. 

Instead of waterfalls in Venezuela, we planned to go to Scotland, to Ireland, to Iceland, to all the misty, rocky, cold places where puffins live. First we took our extravagant California trip, and that was amazing. Two weeks of California coast, of ocean and woods and food and wine. 

Then I had a hysterectomy. 

Bryce got deep in his PhD. 

We started planning an itinerary for Scotland, in late 2019. As we worked to solidify our plans into actual trip details, a freaking pandemic hit. No puffins for us. 

Traveling during high COVID times was not going to happen. 

And then my knee decided to go real bad. All of the -lands of the puffins have, um, rocks. And hills. All things it's really helpful to have functioning knees in order to do. 

I had a knee replacement. I recovered from my knee replacement, which turns 11 months in two days. 

AND THEN, QUITE RECENTLY, MY RIGHT KNEE STARTED ACTING LIKE IT WANTED IN ON THE TITANIUM. 

So I went to the surgeon, who took multi-view x-rays of my "good" knee. 

Guess what? Not so good anymore. Significant weathering on the right side of my patella, and considerable arthritis below. I got a cortisone shot, and was told, "You know the drill. You can schedule a replacement any time you're ready." 

MOTHER EFFER. 

Not doing it this summer, because I wanted a nice summer where I got to enjoy my new knee (which is now a questionable endeavor given Right Knee's behavior), but it is happening within the year, because I do NOT want to wait until I can't walk it hurts so bad to replace it. Which means next summer will be recovery, in some shape or form. Which means, hopefully we will be able to plan our international travel for... 2026? 

Our metaphorical jar keeps getting smashed. 

We are lucky. We have good health insurance, and I can do the knee replacement and then have TWO bionic knees. Take that, hills of Scotland and Ireland! Take that, volcanic geyserville of Iceland! I just have to be willing to wait. Again. 

I am really, really tired of all the waiting. But, at the end of it, hopefully there is a glorious puffin trip in places with fun accents. Because I would like the similarities to Ellie and Carl to stop, please. They are a lovely couple, but it doesn't exactly work out as planned and the trip with each other never happens. And it gets real sad and explains why Carl is such a curmudgeon.

So, right knee, get yourself all shiny and new, you diva. And then do your job so we can see those puffins together and go frolicking through the heather on the hill. 

ADHD and Clutter

I haven't really written much about the whole ADHD thing lately, but yup -- it's a thing. I am taking a medication that does seem to help, but really seems to help more with seasonal depression and general mood leveling, so the jury's still out on that one. Still not a stimulant medication. 

I have been focusing on skills, though, and I cannot recommend the YouTube channel "How to ADHD" enough. It is SO HELPFUL. And, the creator, Jessica McCabe, has a BOOK by the same name now! 

I have not gotten super far into the book, but I am looking forward to it. Particularly the chapter called, "How to See Time." Holy Moses do I need that one. 

Anyway, I was feeling overwhelmed in my office, which had become rather...crowded. Piles of books on the floor. Piles of paper on my desk. And the floor. And "hiding" under the chaise longue. I love my cozy office, but it wasn't an area I enjoyed being in anymore. It had turned against me. Ha, rewind that. I had turned against it, and it was so overwhelming that I just couldn't get a handle on it, and for me... when I feel overwhelmed, I just sort of selectively unsee messes. Because if I see it, it causes me stress and I want to fix it but I know from experience that it will likely just return to its original state. It feels hopeless. 

Well, I had some extra time over break and was able to get started on organizing and throwing crap out and making a space that I can feel good about. 

What helped? This video: 

She has a whole series of videos on wrangling clutter and reframing the idea that you are just a messy, disorganized person. WARNING: She also has a lot of videos on ADHD and pregnancy because she just had a baby, but you don't have to watch those if they don't apply (I certainly don't). This one was cool because it has an actual resource in the comments -- a worksheet by an organizational design team that is ADHD friendly. SO HELPFUL. 

I will say, I am glad that I had pretty much a full day to dedicate to Operation Office, because if I hadn't had enough time to go start to finish, it would have been a disaster. I could see me lying on the floor, surrounded by crap, in tears and frustrated. But woohoo! Break meant I could do it. (I really have a hard time doing things in stages, it's like an all-or-nothing thing with me, and if I get into a bigger project than I was ready for, there. will. be. tears.) 

Looking for "before" photos was hilarious. Oddly, I don't tend to take pictures of my hideous messes. But here are some sneaky blurry background shots of my giant piles 'o books: 

So this doesn't look too horribly terrible, but it's all TBR and I had it all "organized" pretty by color.

The dark underbelly... if you look behind my shoulder you can see that there is a stack of books on the floor next to the stack on top of the bookcase. And what you can't see is that there are actually four stacks of books on the floor. FOUR. So, from outside the door, you just saw stacks, which was icky, but I couldn't actually see what I had there. It just...lived on the floor.

Oh. My. Gosh. Is that a clear surface I see on top? So, it pained me to do this, but I stacked the books vertically and 2 stacks deep because it is a pretty deep little bookcase and I could fit everything on it this way. The stacks are by genre now, and staggered so I can see everything, and if I can't totally see it, I just slide a stack. And look! Floor! 

Now, my desk. I do not have a picture of it messy, but I can show how it's been organized THRICE in the past year or so, because I can make it pretty but it's so hard to make it sustainably functional. Imagine GIANT piles of papers, mail, and books on either side of my laptop for before shots. 

First Iteration: 

You can kind of see the pile I'm trying to hide on the left, and also pieces I've cut out of my pretty Katie Daisy desk calendar because I was TOTALLY going to use them for something. 

Second Iteration: 

I bought this desk organizer shelf thing after reading a BuzzFeed list (I am a sucker for that stuff) and I actually love it, but you can see how there is crap on the other organizer to the right, and on the desk to the right, and behind my laptop, and there's a pile you can't see to the left of my laptop, and there's some junk hidden behind the sleeping cat. Lucky, you're so cute! I'm trying, but not quite there yet. 

Third Iteration: 

AHHHH! I actually threw out stuff! I rearranged things so that it's useful, but also pleasing, and LOOK AT ALL THAT WORK SPACE! The blue laptop desk pad is another BuzzFeed find, and look how pretty my planbook is. I bought a really organized fancy planbook in the hopes that I'd actually be motivated to use it more often and keep up. I am actually mentally very organized, but paper and things are my enemy. (Also, full disclosure, there is ONE small pile of papers and notebooks on the floor behind my chair that you can't see, but I feel like it's disingenuous not to confess.)

It is wonderful to see empty space. I am hoping it is motivating to try to keep it that way for longer this time. How much time did it take to tackle this? Oh, probably about 7 hours. But it was worth it, and I kept myself off the floor so that I didn't feel tempted to just shut the door and walk away and pretend I don't have an office anymore. 

One last thing -- I did actually get rid of some books. It pained me, because I hate culling books, but in organizing my TBR pile there were a few that I knew I wasn't going to read (either because I'd picked them up and put them right back down, or they were "should" books), and there were a few on my Read shelves that I felt I could let go of. I took a page from Lori Lavender Luz, who had the brilliant idea of driving around to find Free Little Libraries and depositing books like little treasures about town. So we did that, and found four different Little Libraries, including one that was Harry Potter themed (painted gold with the Marauder's Map and "I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good").  It felt really great to be a secret twilight book fairy. 

We are trying to reduce our "stuff" bit by bit, because there's really no one who is going to help us when we're old, no kids/grandkids to take any of our treasures. It stresses me out so much when we have to tackle a room. It feels unsurmountable and overwhelming. But, with the tips from the How to ADHD team and knowing that I did it once and could do it again, I think it's less so. As long as we do one space at a time, and I have absolutely nothing else going on that day. 

It is lovely to have a pretty, functional space, and to know that although I made it a disaster, I also made it something that works for me and makes me happy, not stressed. 

Adoption Unfiltered Podcast: Bucking Societal Pressure and NOT Adopting

I am so excited to share that I had the honor and privilege of being a special guest on Adoption Unfiltered, the podcast (and YouTube channel)! The episode dropped yesterday. You can watch it here (linked to the YouTube channel): 

You can also listen anywhere you get your podcasts, or at the Adoption Unfiltered podcast page. 

It was an amazing conversation with Sara Easterly, Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Lori Holden (aka Lori Lavender Luz and my friend!), an adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive parent, respectively. I was on to talk about the pressure of pronatalism, the difficulty when you try to "just adopt" (insert heavy sarcasm here) and find yourself facing a zillion ethical questions and unresolved grief. 

I have always struggled with the idea that maybe I "didn't want a baby bad enough" to stay in the game. But I think this conversation speaks to the push-pull of desperately wanting to be a parent, but discovering that there are intangible costs that we didn't initially realize and couldn't overlook. 

I am not better than anyone else. I didn't find out more about the underbelly of adoption and then say "That's IT! We're out of here!" on purely ethical grounds. We stopped the adoption (waiting) process ultimately because of my health and the toll everything took on my body and my mind. But, we did wait longer in part because we weren't willing to say "baby at any cost" and go beyond our comfort level, which narrowed instead of widened the more we explored beyond the marketing machine. Listening to adoptee voices. Being willing to be uncomfortable. Being willing to really examine our own limitations. Getting familiar with shifting power dynamics. 

Our story is just that -- our story. I can't say what would have happened if things turned out differently, if we had been chosen. I would hope that I would do the same sort of researching, and connecting with people, and listening to voices typically unheard so that I could do my best to do no harm beyond what is inherent in adoption. Because even if you do it really well, which was my hope, there is grief and loss in separating families to make a new one, even when the intentions are good. 

If you are so inclined, give it a listen! Or a watch, if you want to see me making weird faces and hand gestures, which are my specialty side dish to honesty and vulnerability. Thank you in advance! 

Total Eclipse of the...Clouds?

We were so super excited about the total eclipse today -- I feel like we've been planning for at least a year. It was really cool, but it was also an exercise in practicing being appreciative in the face of disappointments (which so many of us are REALLY good at, unfortunately). 

1) My best friend was supposed to come up with her husband and 3 teenage kids and camp out on our floors and couches. They were in a 93% area, but wanted to see totality. We were nervous about having so much activity in our very, very quiet house, but we were ready. Until my best friend got sick. She's been super stressed lately, and her body picked this moment to just need total rest. So, she needed to take care of herself, but it was disappointing. (And we have SO MUCH FOOD, thankfully a lot of snacky frozen things, but we are ROLLING in snacks and should have a party.)

2) Apparently 500,000 people were expected to come to Rochester, NY, where I live. So we made plans to not go anywhere. And for a while it seemed weird, like...we are one of the cloudiest cities in the country...why would you come here if there were other choices? But, Rochester is also very unpredictable with weather thanks to Lake Ontario, so maybe we'd get lucky. 

3) We did not get lucky. Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous, blue skies, just a perfect early spring day. Today looked like this: 

This is actually during the first half of the eclipse, so the clouds do look kind of funky, but STILL.

 We tried so hard to be excited and will the sun to come out. I wore a sparkly eclipse outfit: 

We got a split of champagne: 

And then it just. didn't. clear. up. Here is Bryce, trying to get his pinhole viewer to work (because it was so cloudy we didn't need our glasses): 

It did a great job of projecting...clouds. 

We were super bummed.

4) But, the light did get subtly weirder, until totality happened. Even with clouds, it was FREAKY. And cool, so cool. It was like a curtain of darkness just went SWOOSH over us. It happened super fast. I can see why people used to think it meant end times. That would scare the bejeezus out of you if you didn't know it was coming.

Maybe 15 minutes before, the clouds got real weird.

Holy crap! It was dark, like PITCH dark

And then it started getting light a few minutes later, but it felt long.

It would have been really cool to see the whole thing, clearly. It would have been amazing to see the sky turn dark and stars come out at 3:20 pm. But, it was actually pretty darn cool. The temperature dropped about 10 degrees in just a few minutes. Seeing the birds roosting when it was getting dark and then seeing freaked-out moths making a beeline for cover when it suddenly got light out again was entertaining. The irony: my best friend may have had 93% and no totality, but she had sunny, clear skies. Totality was awesome, but probably not worth a road trip under cloud cover.

We ended up having a good time, even with the clouds.