I am so excited to share that I had the honor and privilege of being a special guest on Adoption Unfiltered, the podcast (and YouTube channel)! The episode dropped yesterday. You can watch it here (linked to the YouTube channel):
You can also listen anywhere you get your podcasts, or at the Adoption Unfiltered podcast page.
It was an amazing conversation with Sara Easterly, Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Lori Holden (aka Lori Lavender Luz and my friend!), an adoptee, birth mother, and adoptive parent, respectively. I was on to talk about the pressure of pronatalism, the difficulty when you try to "just adopt" (insert heavy sarcasm here) and find yourself facing a zillion ethical questions and unresolved grief.
I have always struggled with the idea that maybe I "didn't want a baby bad enough" to stay in the game. But I think this conversation speaks to the push-pull of desperately wanting to be a parent, but discovering that there are intangible costs that we didn't initially realize and couldn't overlook.
I am not better than anyone else. I didn't find out more about the underbelly of adoption and then say "That's IT! We're out of here!" on purely ethical grounds. We stopped the adoption (waiting) process ultimately because of my health and the toll everything took on my body and my mind. But, we did wait longer in part because we weren't willing to say "baby at any cost" and go beyond our comfort level, which narrowed instead of widened the more we explored beyond the marketing machine. Listening to adoptee voices. Being willing to be uncomfortable. Being willing to really examine our own limitations. Getting familiar with shifting power dynamics.
Our story is just that -- our story. I can't say what would have happened if things turned out differently, if we had been chosen. I would hope that I would do the same sort of researching, and connecting with people, and listening to voices typically unheard so that I could do my best to do no harm beyond what is inherent in adoption. Because even if you do it really well, which was my hope, there is grief and loss in separating families to make a new one, even when the intentions are good.
If you are so inclined, give it a listen! Or a watch, if you want to see me making weird faces and hand gestures, which are my specialty side dish to honesty and vulnerability. Thank you in advance!
I listened last night. SUCH a good discussion! I've shared the link with the private childless community I belong to, and will share on my blog too. Thank you for giving voice to an angle of the adoption world that too often never get considered, and thanks to Lori, Kelsey & Sara for holding space for it in their book & podcast!
ReplyDeleteThis episode is very popular! Thank you for sharing here, and thanks, Loribeth, for sharing in the space you did.
ReplyDeleteSara, Kelsey, and I have been thinking so much about what having true informed consent in adoption would be, not only for the expectant parents entering into it, but also for the adopting parents entering into it. All that you reveal so thoughtfully, Jess, is so important in any conversation about informed consent when beginning to work with an adoption professional, who most likely has a large knowledge and power advantage over the typical new client.