The End of an Era

Every Friday, Bryce and I drive up towards Lake Ontario to enjoy dinner at Maria's Mexican Restaurant. We go because we love the food and the margaritas, but also, and most of all, because we love the people. So, imagine our dismay when we found out they were being kicked out of their leased location as of January. They have been there for over 40 years. Multiple families have grown up there.  We have spent about 20 years going there. AND we got legally married there. 

We celebrated a bittersweet 17th (legal) anniversary on Friday -- the last time we can do it at that location. They do intend to move, not close, which is great, but that restaurant in the basement of the Old Church Mall is entwined with our history. We got married over dinner so we could have our ceremony on Halloween in our backyard and not worry about legality. We brought all our hopes for children there. We drowned our sorrows over disappointments and losses there. We saw others' families expand, and expanded our own family to include our friends there. We've celebrated, grieved, cheered, cried, laughed, and loved there. I have watched my ability to handle margaritas shrink over the years. It's a fixture in our lives.

It's so, so sad. But, we went and celebrated and I got a bouquet to sort of reenact our wedding picture. 

2009

2026

Look at this beautiful bouquet a florist put together 10 minutes before closing! 

Pictures from Maria's past: 

Ok, this is from Friday, but look how handsome and happy he is!

BABIES. WE'RE BABIES HERE.

Silly margarita babies

And at dinner back in 2009, newlyweds!

We'll keep celebrating in the new location, but it won't be the same. 

Remember: You Always Feel This Way

I am so sorry I disappeared for a bit there. I kept reminding myself, September and October ALWAYS feel overwhelming. It is very hard to have any brain energy left at the end of the day. I see light at the end of the tunnel, though! I am feeling slightly less underwater with school things. 

This will be a sort of mishmash of updates so that I can get back into the swing of things. 

- In September I had a physical, and my cholesterol and triglycerides were high (again). There's apparently an algorithm that the medical people use to determine your cardiac event risk, and I hadn't yet met the threshold for a statin. But, the numbers consistently rising make me nervous because I do have family members who had heart attacks in their 40s and 50s (some survived, some didn't). My doctor sent me for a calcium score test. They basically do a CT scan of your heart with electrodes attached, and somehow they can see if there is plaque forming in your arteries inside your heart. You want a score of 0. Not-so-fun fact, this is not covered by insurance typically. It's "new," so hopefully they will soon, because it DEFINITELY is less expensive to be preventative than to put stents in and whatnot!) 

My score was not 0. It wasn't hideous, but it was enough to make me freak out for a moment. There are the beginnings of plaque in my heart. Which is sobering, but not all that surprising given my crap genetics. I am now on a statin. Another not-so-fun fact: if you have hEDS, statins can exacerbate joint pain. Which happened at first, but I'm on a low dose and after two weeks it seemed to abate, so I guess I'm good. I'm also eating a ton of chia seeds in everything (which means I probably have chia seeds in my teeth more often than not). I am also making a point to go on more walks even when I am tired from school. 

I also went off my blood pressure medicine, because I was put on it during The Year of Disaster, 2017, when my blood pressure was off the charts and my stress level was insanely high. I no longer have the same stressors, so I asked about it. So far, so good. Off one medicine just to add another... sigh. 

- I read a book recently (horror, I try to read all horror during Spooky Season) and it had an interesting situation. I will put the name of the book at the bottom*, it's not exactly a spoiler but it does play into the plot, but the quote that made me go HUH! and immediately reread it over and over was this: 

"'People always say that -- that children are what gives your life purpose.' The woman's face crumples up then, and she waits a few seconds before speaking again. 'I already had purpose,' she whispers."

Basically, this character wanted a childfree life, but her husband changed his mind, and she ends up pregnant but not thrilled about it. I thought it was SO REFRESHING to have a book flip pregnancy on its head and have a strong female character be so much more than her pregnancy and have conflicted feelings. 

- A friend of mine is pregnant. Pregnant with the last frozen embryo, the last cycle, after a long time of heartache. She told me privately via text and I called her immediately, because I was so hoping it would work out for her. I honestly didn't feel sad in that moment, at all, and I felt a marvel in how time has smoothed the sharp edges of loss. 

Then there was a social media announcement, which was completely adorable (and ultrasound free, thankfully), and it included a very cute reveal that the baby has girl parts. I felt excited for her and her husband. But then the final shot was a onesie that said something along the lines of "some miracles take time" and a small twinge of sadness became a bit of a funk. I had to remind myself, it IS a miracle to them. It DID take time. And I am happy, so happy that this happened for my friend... but it did awaken that tiny, sharp-clawed voice wayyy in the back recesses of my mind that whispered "there wasn't enough time in the world to make a miracle for you..." I let myself be sad briefly, and then I hearted the post and texted her congrats on the girl parts. 

I didn't comment on the post though, because I know it will be too much to get notifications of all the other comments and have it keep popping up in my feed. I am putting my sadness here because I don't want it to seep into my hug for her tomorrow, but also, I am protecting myself. I already told her that I can't see ultrasounds, but that I do want to know how she's feeling and celebrate her luck. She totally respects that.

- Otherwise, everything is decently good. I am enjoying the beauty of October, and my kids this year really are a lot of fun. It's a good year. 

So, sorry for the disappearing act that apparently happens every start of the school year, and I promise I will be reading and commenting very very shortly! 

* When the Night Comes Knocking by Katherine Daniel, terrific scary gory fun based on an Appalachian legend

Hope for the Future

The news sucks at the moment. Everything is gloom and doom and impending apocalypse. 

So, it was a lovely surprise to discover just how many of my students this year ARE READERS! Like, borrowing books from me on the daily and returning them read the next day. Like, 8th graders reading Project Hail Mary. And my smaller class group? Not as reading averse as usual! 

I hope this is a positive sign for the future. It sure feels that way to me. 

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Also, it's officially World Childless Week! Go here and scroll down to the 2026 section to explore each day's submissions and offerings. I'm bummed I can't attend most things because the time change at school and the time zone difference are not compatible at all, but I am looking forward to reading each day. 

Happy New Year

A friend of mine said this is how we should go back to school (as teachers). Happy New Year! 

This year, I feel like the transition has been hard. Today was our first day back, and there will be students in my room on Wednesday. It's early (for NY), and not every district is going back before Labor Day. These two days without kids are supposed to be "get your room and materials ready" days, but they are almost always a marathon of meetings. My room is currently evidence of the fractured time, because there are piles on literally every desk. And there are a lot of desks -- I have relatively large special classes (self-contained) this year, so I had to collect tables because I didn't have enough. 

I don't feel ready at all. I know I will be, as ready as I'm gonna be, by the time the kids walk through my door. Or I'll be an amazing actress and pretend I've got it all together. Either option is honestly fine. 

I enjoyed that I truly did NOTHING school-related in July. It made July like every day was Saturday (a day I reserve for no school work during the year). But then, August felt like Sunday. And it went FAST. I had grand plans. I executed...some of them. I brought stuff home today, but then decided to pick up Five Guys on the way home and chill out. I have one thing I HAVE to do, but I also wanted some downtime. 

It was discouraging to see at the faculty meeting that summer slides (yep, they still do that) were very family-kid centered, and many people without kids or partners did not participate. I did, because I enjoy a ridiculous photo, a slide WITHOUT children (now the vast majority are high school and college), and some ordinary reading-at-home photos. But this year, they decided to have people explain their slides. I might have said, "Oh no no no" really loudly. I refused, because I had captions and IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY IN LIFE? but everyone else did it and it took a really long time. People who had a rough summer were MISERABLE. People who had a meh summer were MISERABLE. And, because I didn't explain my slide and said "read the captions" in the nicest possible way, they gave it about 10 seconds or less airtime. Boooo. Here it is: 

I added my reading stats because that's how I personally rate a summer. And I have to have flower pictures. And the one time we got the fire pit out. 

Maybe living in a cycle that restarts each year is great in that we get a new year every year. Maybe having that (ever shorter) summer break makes it harder to restart, though. I am looking forward to this year. I just have to pump myself up a bit for the two days with kids. I can do it for them. For a zillion meetings? Not as necessary. :) Maybe I'll feel more ready and myself next week.

Entering My Store-Bought Estrogen Phase

I did it! I have joined the ranks of women enjoying supplementary estrogen. In my case, a patch that is changed 2x/week. 

I had heard tales of happiness from women who went before me. I wasn't sure that I'd be eligible, as after ending fertility treatments no one would prescribe me estrogen-based birth control (for PCOS management, not actual birth control, since that was proven utterly unnecessary). That was because buried in my medical records was a heterozygous mutation for prothrombin, which puts me at higher risk for deep vein thrombosis (aka scary blood clots). 

Soo, I assumed HRT was not possible for me. 

EXCEPT! There were all these studies that showed significantly decreased risk for transdermal estrogen, and so I had hope again. 

After two years of questioning myself: "am I really in need of this?" "are my hot flashes 'bad enough'?" and other thoughts that weren't really productive and are a result of lifelong medical gaslighting, I asked my gynecologist about it at my last annual in July. 

I have now been on the patch for a full month, and I am so happy I did it. With the exception of 2 night sweats and 1 day of hot flashes that broke through, I have been relieved of my inner furnace! I feel less like I wake up in a state of high anxiety. It was getting real old to both wake up slicked in sweat AND feeling like I was just chased by a bear. 

It's also great to know that estrogen-only therapy can decrease risks of dementia, and HRT in general decreases risk of osteoporosis. Part of me wonders why I didn't do this sooner! 

The one downside is that I alternate placement of the patch every time I replace it, which is giving me flashbacks to the dreaded progesterone-in-oil injections of yesteryear. We would switch from "dragon side" to "non-dragon side," based on a tattoo I have on my right hip/lower back. Same thing with the patch, although it is WAY less painful to unpeel and stick a little patch on my skin than sinking an inch-and-a-half needle in my flesh. AND I'm actually getting something out of this treatment! Win. 

So, if you are questioning whether or not "it's time" to look into the patch, trust yourself. I was told if you are experiencing symptoms of perimenopause, you are IN PERIMENOPAUSE. There's really not a great metric as blood values change day to day, and if you've exorcised your uterus had a hysterectomy, there's no "red flag" so to speak for when your periods start to wane. 

Everybody has different risk factors, everybody has different needs, but it doesn't hurt to ask about it. I am so glad I did. 

This Image Is Everything

I was at a bookstore/coffee shop I've never been to before in my area, and there was a section with unframed art. I was there with a friend from school, and she saw this one, and I knew I had to have it: 

@FABFEMINISTART

Is it not PERFECT? 

It's not a unique metaphor, but I felt like this was the theme of 2017. When everything fell apart and we said goodbye to the dream of parenthood we'd been chasing for 8 years, and I just felt like utter goo. It was my chrysalis phase, trying to figure out how to reconstitute life differently. I love, love, love the butterfly metaphor for when everything goes dark and deconstructed. Eventually, you come out beautiful, but changed. 

Medical Paperwork Sucks, But My New PT Doesn't!

I saw my new PT for the first time today, to address hypermobile Ehler-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS). She mentioned how glad she was that I dropped off the paperwork yesterday, because she was able to really read and absorb it. 

I hate, hate, hate filling out medical paperwork. First, the obvious: It always has a section with "please list all surgeries with dates." I started just lumping 2010-2015 together, because of all the hysteroscopies, egg retrievals, and the pericentesis when I had OHSS. It hurts less that way. 

It is interesting to see that all my surgeries are either joints gone wrong or reproductive system gone wrong. Alllll the way back to my first year of life. Hmm. 

I also hate rating scales. When talking about the pain I experience, it seems not to fit into any of the available boxes. I end up writing psychotic notes in the white spaces that say things like "my pain doesn't prevent me from doing things about the house or walking, but it does punish me. I can do it, and then I have to lie on the floor for a while to recover." 

That! the laying on the floor -- I'm still flabbergasted that it is a perfectly reasonable way to give your body a gravity break, a way to find its place in space and feel supported, when you have hEDS. I was listening to the Bendy Bodies podcast, and the doctor with hEDS who hosts the podcast was like "I can do xxx, but then I have to lie on the floor." LIKE IT'S A NORMAL THING! It tickles me that my so-called odd behavior at the end of the day (or between class periods) where I lie on the floor, or the windowsill, or a table...is a perfectly reasonable accommodation strategy for my unmoored body! Ha. You can bet I'm going to lord that over everybody at school who has thought it's bizarre that I do that! 

Back to PT paperwork. 

I also had a hard time because I dropped the paperwork off, and then started thinking, "what if they aren't fluent in hEDS?" Which is totally bonkers because this place was recommended to me by my Pilates instructor FOR being familiar with hEDS. I did a whole bunch of research into PT and hEDS, and found a fact sheet written by a PT who explains things and what might be contraindicated. I printed it and brought it. 

Luckily, the PT was like, "is there anything you need to know about your diagnosis? It's a lot to take in, people often come in and don't really know what it is." In retrospect, I should have asked her for her spiel anyway because it would be fascinating to see how she defines it. But, no. I said "oh, I have gone down a deep rabbit hole of research" and then listed out a bunch of sources I've found particularly helpful. And then I laughed and told her I had a printout for HER just in case, guess it can continue being a bookmark! 

It was a good appointment, mostly evaluation for baseline which is boring, but I left feeling pretty good about it. AND, she never even commented on the sad story my medical history reveals... starting with the fruitless exploratory pelvic laparoscopy in 1999 and then that clump from 2010-2015, followed by the melon baller procedure and the subsequent hysterectomy. I think every time that's in there, someone has to say something, even if it's a relatively benign, "oh, I'm so sorry." It wasn't relevant to what we were doing PT for, and it didn't come up. It feels like a shift. 

I wish there was some magical thing that could hold your medical history and update it so you could just link to it or print it and be like HERE. (We're getting closer, I don't have to do it as much for providers within this one university system, because the portal holds EVERYTHING. But not everyone is included. Boo.) Medical paperwork used to send me into an absolute spiral. In a way I relived those 5 particularly difficult years with each thing I wrote down. But with the clumping and not cataloging all the fertility-related things and the passage of time... It was annoying, but didn't trigger my deep sadness. I wish I could tell my younger self that these days would come, where some of the grief bombs of yore are deactivated.