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All 3 of Bryce's books have red (all spines are red too), and mine was a tomato orange-red. weird! |
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Before haha |
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After! |
Redefining "success:" Resolving without parenting after infertility and loss & rebuilding a beautiful life
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All 3 of Bryce's books have red (all spines are red too), and mine was a tomato orange-red. weird! |
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Before haha |
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After! |
I had a realization the other day.
I was talking with my sub, who was venting about a particularly difficult case. The student has many mental health difficulties, and is on the autism spectrum. The student's mom loves her child very much but can be an, um, aggressive and blunt communicator.
My sub was upset because this student is doing nothing, pretty much refusing to turn in any work. Their grades are slipping. He'd contacted the student's mom with his concerns, and was very frustrated with the response. She basically said she wasn't going to force the student to do anything, that when she talked with the student at home, the explanation was that so far their grades were good enough that the student felt they could just "coast" for a while. The mom was like, "well, the grades are good right now, and maybe they need to see the grades dip. We'll revisit when that happens."
My sub was beside himself. Why would she not care about motivating her child? Why would she let him fail like this? He was gobsmacked by the mom's response when he (the sub) clarified that he spends extra time with all his students to help them succeed, she said: "that's nice, but I only care about my child."
Then he said to me... "As a parent, I just don't understand how she can do this to her child."
Ah.
I explained my thoughts on the situation:
Then, I had an epiphany -- maybe one reason why I am somewhat of a "tough parent whisperer" is because I am not a parent myself. I do not have my own frame of reference to put on someone else, for better or for worse. I am not thinking through the lens of what would work (or not) for MY child. I am a fairly neutral player in this game. I mean, I like to think I know what I would have done, if I'd had kids, but I'll never really know what that would have looked like, so I can't speculate TOO much.
Of course, I have opinions, but I feel very strongly that in most situations, abuse aside, parents want what's best for their kids. There are different ways of handling different situations. I can offer facts, such as: We cannot grade what we do not receive. We can give the opportunities, we can extend deadlines to a point, but there is a line where it is what it is. Students get the grade they earn. If they do nothing, they earn...nothing. That's sort of how life works. We can encourage, parents can encourage, but ultimately there is no "making" the child do something they don't want to do. My job, as an educator, is to work with the parent and partner home and school together to help a student be as successful as possible.
I would imagine, as a teacher who IS a parent, that it would be hard not to see through your own lens (at least at first). That it might be harder not to judge based on what you would do in the situation, even though likely your situation is very different from their situation.
It gave me a little bit of a flip side to the dreaded "as a parent..." comments that get thrown around school (and life) all the time -- maybe it's actually an asset to be an educational, developmental expert and NOT a parent.
I am fairly religious about sunscreen, but I lapsed a bit in getting skin checks from a dermatologist. Last year was my first one in a while, and she didn't like a spot on my face. It turned out to be just a weird sunspot and nothing nefarious, so the worst part of it was the lidocaine injection (zero flesh on your temple, ow ow ow).
I went for another skin check about a week or so ago, and didn't really have anything I was super nervous about. She looked all over, used her magnifying thingie (is it a loupe if it's not gemstones she's looking at?) and then spent an inordinate amount of time on my back. Never a good sign.
She ended up taking two moles -- one on my back, and one next to my bellybutton, that she thought looked darker than before. The lidocaine hurt not at all at the bellybutton, but the back... ouch. But now, the one on my back is healing decently well from the "shave biopsy," but the bellybutton one is a pain. When they went to take it, they were like, "oh, you can sit up!" I just laughed and said I'd like to see them try to make that work, as my PCOS belly creases right there and it truly is a spot where the sun don't shine. So I lay down and they numbed me and left me with two holes.
I assumed it would be like my face, funky looking moles, no biggie.
Well, apparently, they both came back "severely abnormal," and have to be cut more thoroughly to ensure all the evil cells are gone, and then I get stitches. I was assured it wasn't cancer, not yet. Of course Dr. Google informed me that they are vigilant about removing "severely abnormal" moles because they most often turn into melanoma, which is freaking terrifying.
I am grateful for my dermatologist, who took two moles not even on my radar and had a good eye for what she called "the ugly ducklings." Less grateful for more cutting and stitching, but I think I actually prefer that to the hole type wound, which is supposed to leave less scar but even after the week of Vaseline and band-aid (try sticking a Band-Aid across your bellybutton and see how that works...spoiler alert, it doesn't). I am grateful that I started getting regular skin checks again.
On a lighter note, I am also grateful for her wordsmithing... I asked about a spot on my face where I seem to have a splotch of even whiter skin, and I wondered if it was something weird. She just said it was due to sun damage (for the love I wear SPF 50 ALL THE TIME), and that losing pigment can happen "as time passes." What a lovely sentiment. I laughed and said, "that sounds just so much kinder and poetic than 'as you age,' haha, very diplomatic!"
My first procedure is a couple days after my birthday (they were going to do my actual birthday, and then said, "oh goodness no, let's not do that to you!"), and insurance says they have to be done separately and two weeks apart at least, so my back one isn't leaving until June. I just couldn't take time when I have so little left when I get back to work. And, I am doing quite the number on my sick time being out for 12 weeks, so I'd rather not use any in the weeks I have remaining!
I'm glad I can make use of this time to get some of these appointments done, hopefully they don't all result in more of them.
I was not able to have children. My best friend was able to have three. I love her children, and while I don't see them that often (she prefers to come up here, because it is quiet and she can read in bed and no one needs anything from her...), but when I do it's like no time has passed. Even though they are all TEENAGERS now.
Her oldest son is turning 18 this May. How is this possible? Look how cute he was as a (not so) tiny baby:
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I believe that's a car in his hand. He used to put them in order and name them, with the most special being "Fire Truck" -- which was whispered. So freaking adorable. |
And now... he's going off to college. My best friend is beside herself.
But, a few weeks ago we had a visit from the boy and his dad, because he was touring his top 3 colleges that he got into and one of those is SUNY Geneseo. (SUNY = State University of New York). SUNY Geneseo is where I went, and where my best friend's husband went, and it was my graduation party from Geneseo that resulted in my best friend and my college friend meeting and...the rest is history.
Here is the boy now:
Much bigger, loving on Eggi.
A slight attempt at stacking the deck, we said if he went to Geneseo, he'd be 25 minutes from me and Bryce, quality kitty time (he's going to miss his soooo much), and the occasional Annie's Mac & Cheese. And to top it off, I said I would get him a grapefruit spoon.
Why a grapefruit spoon? Because to the boy, it is the perfect utensil. Like a spork but with better cutting ability. Perfect for Ramen and any kind of noodles.
So, when I got the very cute decision reveal video from my best friend (they waited at the bottom of the stairs and he came out of his room wearing a Geneseo sweatshirt), I put in an Etsy order. And it came today!
Needless to say, my best friend is considerably less nervous (but no less distraught) about him going off to college because we'll be nearby. With a special spoon just for him.
This post in part inspired by Mali's post on friends and family. Go read it!
I have a bunch of posts percolating, but today I just feel... demoralized. I am so disheartened by what's happening in the United States, by the stripping of freedoms, the LITERAL rewriting of history, the cuts to funding in all the areas that make a place desirable to live (medical research, education, libraries, vaccine development, stuff that means you CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE)... I am taking advantage of my time to go to 5calls.org and call my Congressional representatives daily, but the active topics page has reached FIFTY things. FIFTY. It feels awful trying to pick which one or two I'll call about today. I could keep going on and on, but instead...
I'd like to do a brain dump of 20 positive things or things that bring me joy that I can think of in a short period of time (but not timed, because timers stress me out):
1. The spring peepers are out
2. I have a snuggly cat purring next to me
3. I went for a drive for the first time tonight
4. The Surgeon was really happy with my knee healing and progress
5. It was (briefly) warmer today
6. The daffodils on the hill on the side of my house are blooming
7. I didn't know that Van Gogh painted more than one Starry Night painting, and there are others in the series that are just as beautiful if not more in my opinion
8. I love the puzzle I'm working on ("Midnight Moths" by Elena Essex)
9. I can go up stairs pretty normally now
10. There's a gluten free almond ring coffee cake on the table, and gluten free double stuf Oreos in the pantry
11. I love the new cooling sheets I got recently, they are cozy and airy all at once
12. Bryce is going to help me set up and stain my new window box planters for the deck
13. The planters are going to make a "deck meadow" along the periphery of our deck with pollinator friendly plants
14. The idea of sitting in an Adirondack chair, surrounded by meadow flowers, is highly appealing right now
15. The orchid I was given for my birthday in 2021 is reblooming multiple times a year thanks to Bryce's attention
16. It's been blooming for months straight
17. The sliding glass door off our living room makes a perfect place for plants and it looks sort of like a botanical garden wall which is delightful
18. I love my house, it is so cozy
19. When Eggi gets ahold of her catnip fish pillow, she hugs it to her and rubs it all over her face like it's her baby
20. Making this list actually has made me feel appreciably happier and lighter.
Huh, interesting! Go make your own if you so choose!
The future is an uncertain place...but lately it seems even more uncertain than ever. Things that I thought I could count on (democracy, social security, my job's long-term reliability) are looking more ephemeral by the day.
So, reading Mali's post "Ageing Without Children: Self-Motivation Needed" made me think about our own situation.
Thinking about future planning for aging seemed pretty far away. Bryce just turned 51 and I am turning 49 in May, and we realized it's actually not as far in the future as it seems. So, here are my musings:
- As a teacher, technically I can retire at 55. which is only 6 years away (what the hell!). For perspective, 6 years ago I was already 2 years out of childless-not-by-choice resolution. Now, this is a bit more complicated because I didn't become a full-fledged teacher until my early 30s. For retirement, you can retire at 55, but you get full benefits with 30 years of service. Before that, it's prorated. I am in one of the only remaining professions with a pension, and I eked in at Tier 4, which is the most beneficial NYS retirement tier. I am super lucky for that. To get 30 years of service, I have to teach until my 60s. That wasn't something that bothered me at all, until everything about teaching became uncertain with attempts to shutter the Department of Education and concerns about funding (especially for special ed) and school budgets facing shortfalls and a teacher contract that is up for renegotiation in 2027. I have hit eligibility for healthcare upon retirement, so I could do that without penalty at 55. So now we weigh the risks of retiring before 30 years to secure healthcare, or taking the risk that that goes away if I wait to have full benefits at 30 years. Sigh.
- The rest of our retirements is investments, 401(k), my 403(b), and rollover IRAs. So... currently we just don't look at those statements because it's all awful from the turmoil of current events. Hopefully it recovers.
- We have started going through the house and reducing "things." Streamlining what comes into the house to what is necessary, what will help us be organized, and what is aligned with our values. We've been in our home since December 2018, and we absolutely love it. It has seen me through two total knee replacements, and while it is a "treehouse" and is taller than it is wide, the (very bougie sounding) elevator has saved my ass multiple times. The fact that the downstairs bedroom is entirely accessible helps a lot. But, eventually, we will also want to move to something with fewer stairs, something a bit smaller. Maybe an end unit of a side-by-side condo where we can have some gardening, but we don't have to worry about mowing or shoveling or any of that. Maybe a tiny house (or small compound of themed tiny homes) in a meadow somewhere where we live with our books and music and cats and get chickens and goats or something.
- We have been watching "Man on the Inside" on Netflix. It's about an older widower (the wonderful Ted Danson) who is in a lonely rut after the death of his wife, and answers an ad to be a spy on the inside of a retirement community to help a private investigator solve a string of thefts. It's funny, and heartwarming, and yesterday it made me cry. It's not an assisted living place per se, everyone has their own apartment, but there's a dining hall and activities and nursing care, as well as a memory care wing that looms like a door you go into and never go out. Yesterday, I felt like...maybe that's not such a bad thing for when you are older and living alone is isolating. You have less care to worry about, and you have social connections that keep you going. Of course, it also tends to cost thousands of dollars per month, and you own nothing. But, it seems like perhaps it's not the worst thing if you find a nice place for active older adults. Having children doesn't guarantee that you'll have people visiting. But NOT having children definitely makes the prospect of aging feel scarier, lonelier, more isolating. Maybe a place like that would ease those worries.
Of course, we are nowhere near those kinds of decisions. We need to figure out how we can make the most of the years of our lives where we're active, and independent, and have the ability to do fun things. I have two new knees for a reason! It's always a good idea to have those thoughts and plans in the corners of the mind though -- time marches on and it stops for nobody.
We're not promised that we'll get to those "golden years," so we have to live it up in the moment. If we are fortunate enough to have a comfortable old age together, it would be nice to know that we prepared and planned for it.