Here it is... today is my last day of being a perfect square, 49. Tomorrow I am officially fifty...which seems substantially younger than it used to now that it's upon me!
I was thinking on my forties as I enter into a new decade. What did they look like? What major things happened? And then, I went down a rabbit hole.
Things that happened:
When I turned forty, I had a big party. That is completely not even remotely appealing to me for this decade. I wore a hotsy totsy dress and pepper deelie-boppers (because Cinco de Mayo). I got rather toasted on tequila. I was trying so, so hard to be at peace with a birthday that felt like a closing of a door. I had my first "fun hair color" that I felt so brave and edgy for doing...
I thought, WOW! So bright! So red! (Future me is cracking up.)
At forty we were pursuing adoption. We lived in our old house. We had a baby shower in April (technically I was 39 then) and set up our nursery.
Then forty-one came. That was The Year Everything Fell Apart, 2017. Well, by the time my birthday arrived, everything had already fallen apart. I'd had my autoimmune eye disorder due to extreme stress, I'd had my months of high prednisone craziness, I'd had my breakdown and my emergency room visit thanks to stroke-level blood pressure. And we had decided by my birthday that we were DONE. That we'd hit our enough, and that we'd never be parents.
This is me trying to celebrate while feeling like I'd run through a trauma gauntlet:
That year sucked. We packed up our nursery. We told everyone we'd left the parenthood path. It was so, so hard.
But also, in the midst of all that, I submitted and achieved my National Board certification in Exceptional Learners. Which is a pretty darn good achievement.
The summer after my 41st birthday, we took our 8-year delayed honeymoon, a fancy schmancy 2 week trip up and down the coast of California. Here we are in Napa, Carmel, and Santa Barbara: 
And, in November of 2017, I got a big 'ole back tattoo to signify our losses and rebirth to a new life:
I will be here forever if I go birthday by birthday, so here are highlights of things that happened, not necessarily in order.
In 2018 we moved out of our old house and into our new house. Like the tattoo, this was hugely symbolic of leaving the house we thought we'd raise a child in, and starting fresh in a house perfectly made for our new life.
I had a bunch of surgeries -- a hysterectomy, followed by two knee replacements. Bryce said, "Why are you focusing on negative things?" and I heartily disagree. All three of those surgeries resulted in FREEDOM. Freedom from an organ that did nothing for me but torture me. Freedom to regain mobility and movement without pain. Really, shedding those "broken" parts were tremendous victories that have led to tremendous quality of life.
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Complete Set!
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We saw the Rochester version of a total solar eclipse (it did get dark and eerie, but it was CLOUDY). I mean, this could be any average Tuesday in Rochester.
We saw the aurora borealis IN OUR DRIVEWAY. (Still want to see the Arctic version, but that was pretty darn cool.)
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| Remember those handmade sock masks? |
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| Oh Pumpkin, I miss you. |
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| Here we are going to prom together in 1994 |
I flew solo to Nashville to visit a close friend since college (who is taking this picture):
I think overall, it's been a great decade. A decade of change, of doing things that scare me, of remaking a life. Kind of interesting, because my 30s were all about starting over for different reasons, and resulted in a very different life than my 20s.
----> 10 years...