We had a long weekend -- four whole days of rest and relaxation -- and I found myself feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, with a disturbing touch of Failure to Launch. I had a hard time getting motivated.
I did get a lot of gardening done, which was good. No mulch spreading yet, because it rained so much. But, when I wasn't out in the garden, working, I was... stuck.
I hate this feeling.
It's been a few weeks since I readjusted my medication with my doctor from when I messed with it. My anxiety seemed to be getting better -- way less flutters, less overwhelmed feeling. But starting this weekend I am seeing more depression symptoms, and I hate it. I think I screwed up my body's reaction to this medication.
I feel just so awful. And today the anxiety made a comeback, so there's a party of dreadfulness in my brain today. I left school and say in my car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry and failing, until I could get myself to a point where I could actually put the car in gear and leave. I cried the whole way home. In a way, I'm glad I could cry. Sometimes I struggle to do that.
It feels just stupid -- I have a great life, I'm happy, I have a wonderful husband and job and it's almost summer. I can sit on the deck and read and relax to birdsong.
But I also know it's not that simple. My brain chemistry doesn't care about the woods in my backyard, or the reading in the sunshine, or the plantings. It doesn't care about the scrumptious smoked pulled pork that Bryce made, or the spate of downtime.
It's so frustrating. I did call my doctor and I have an appointment. There has to be a way to fix this.
Sorry to be a downer, but I am doooooowwwwnnnnn. I will leave you with pictures of plants and our camp area, which still help me feel less awful.
|Trail to the fire pit by the pond, Bryce cooked chicken thighs on the open flame|
|Pretty trail with solar lantern.|
|Herb planter! The sad rosemary front right is from lady year, and the Bibb lettuce in the ramekin is Bryce's odd project. Basil, dill, silver thyme, cilantro, tarragon, and rosemary.|
|I had to move my trellis planter to the deck from down below, the heliotrope is fine but apparently heirloom climbing and Rainmaster petunias are deer delicious. They've been "pruned."|
|Lantana, angelonia, and white black eyed Susan Vine|
|Love this tall planter. It has a water reservoir. Also, oriole feeder!|
I will feel better. It just sucks right now.