We had a long weekend -- four whole days of rest and relaxation -- and I found myself feeling overwhelmed and exhausted, with a disturbing touch of Failure to Launch. I had a hard time getting motivated.
I did get a lot of gardening done, which was good. No mulch spreading yet, because it rained so much. But, when I wasn't out in the garden, working, I was... stuck.
Hollow.
Faded.
Gray.
I hate this feeling.
It's been a few weeks since I readjusted my medication with my doctor from when I messed with it. My anxiety seemed to be getting better -- way less flutters, less overwhelmed feeling. But starting this weekend I am seeing more depression symptoms, and I hate it. I think I screwed up my body's reaction to this medication.
I feel just so awful. And today the anxiety made a comeback, so there's a party of dreadfulness in my brain today. I left school and say in my car for 10 minutes, trying not to cry and failing, until I could get myself to a point where I could actually put the car in gear and leave. I cried the whole way home. In a way, I'm glad I could cry. Sometimes I struggle to do that.
It feels just stupid -- I have a great life, I'm happy, I have a wonderful husband and job and it's almost summer. I can sit on the deck and read and relax to birdsong.
But I also know it's not that simple. My brain chemistry doesn't care about the woods in my backyard, or the reading in the sunshine, or the plantings. It doesn't care about the scrumptious smoked pulled pork that Bryce made, or the spate of downtime.
It's so frustrating. I did call my doctor and I have an appointment. There has to be a way to fix this.
Sorry to be a downer, but I am doooooowwwwnnnnn. I will leave you with pictures of plants and our camp area, which still help me feel less awful.
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| Trail to the fire pit by the pond, Bryce cooked chicken thighs on the open flame |
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| Pretty trail with solar lantern. |
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| Herb planter! The sad rosemary front right is from lady year, and the Bibb lettuce in the ramekin is Bryce's odd project. Basil, dill, silver thyme, cilantro, tarragon, and rosemary. |
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| I had to move my trellis planter to the deck from down below, the heliotrope is fine but apparently heirloom climbing and Rainmaster petunias are deer delicious. They've been "pruned." |
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| Lantana, angelonia, and white black eyed Susan Vine |
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| Love this tall planter. It has a water reservoir. Also, oriole feeder! |
I will feel better. It just sucks right now.
So sorry. You don’t need a reason or explanation, at least not right now. Do what you have to to get through each day.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are feeling this way. I feel that way sometimes too for what seems like no reason: I have a great life and yet I can't get out of the sadness rut sometimes. Be kind to yourself, adjust your meds or change meds if you need to and know that it is ok!
ReplyDeleteYes, you will feel better. But I'm sending you loving hugs for the fact that you're having to go through it right now. That really does suck. I'm glad you get some respite when you're in your garden (and it really looks fabulous), or eating Bryce's pulled pork (I want some of that), but it doesn't help the bad times I'm sure. I hope your doctor can help. And you know all about self-care.
ReplyDeleteMore (((((((((hugs))))))))) for Jess.
Oh man, I am so sorry to hear how you're feeling. Thank you for sharing. You are so good with words. Describing anxiety as "a party of dreadfulness" in your brain is so relatable!!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I don't think a 4-day break is anywhere near long enough for the break that is long overdue for teachers this school year. I trained for six days at my new job, followed by a six-day break before I was back on the schedule again and, let me tell you, I needed Every Minute of those six days off to recover from my mere six days of training.
Thanks for stopping by here and letting us know what's going on. Depression isn't logical. You don't need to have major problems or a crappy life to be depressed. It just happens. Especially after this depleting year which followed a very difficult decade.
Your pictures are awesome. Keep holding on. Respite is coming.
Ohh Jess. (((Huge Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are feeling. I, too, have been feeling this same way for a while now, with no specific reason as a cause. I have both Anxiety and depression, and PTSD on top of it all. My brain chemistry is soooo effed. It’s been a weird trial and error finding the right combo of meds.
I will say that when they first re-tested me after starting meds, my anxiety was lower but my depression was up, which my pcp told me could happen initially while adjusting to the meds. So maybe that’s what’s happening with you??
It’s so frustrating when despite all the meds, each day is still a struggle and a fight to have a happy mental state and motivation to do something.
Just know I’m thinking of you and that you are NOT ALONE in your mental health struggles, and that it WILL get better. Sending love.
Getting in line to {{{{{Jess}}}}}.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling the way you are, no matter how you try to reason your way out of it. So true what you say about how your brain chemistry doesn't care about all the other stuff...
Just abiding with you. xo
Yes, pretty much what they all said. {{{{Jess}}}}
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