While out in California, I got some cross-contamination gluten from lunch, and so was a little trepidatious about dinner (which was the most delicious Thai food I've ever had). My dad said I could take Advil, since that helps when he gets glutened. The lovely makeup artist who took us out offered to give me some, and I said, "No thanks, I didn't find that that worked for me when I tried it." My dad said, "Well, you have to BELIEVE that it will work, and then it will."
Arrrrggghhhhh.
I probably seemed a bit unhinged when I said acidly, "Oh, is THAT how that works? If THAT was how things work, I would have children!"
Probably a bit much for sitting with people who just met me.
I get so riled up when there is the insinuation that you can "invite" things to happen and they will. That positive thinking can influence anything. That humans have this amazing sort of control, and yet people die of cancer and car accidents and children are murdered and I couldn't have babies.
I have opinions, obviously.
Mali at No Kidding in NZ wrote a post this week about Positive Thinking that made me think more on this.
See, when you are in the midst of infertility treatment, everything is "you have to think positively." It is as if a negative thought can just throw everything right in the trash. And one reason why I hate that is because if it comes down to whether I think the right way or not, then it is my fault if things go wrong. Which is complete and utter bullshit.
I personally put a lot of pressure on myself to be positive, to feel positive, to do everything possible to immerse myself in positivity. It was exhausting. And it didn't make me feel better when things didn't work out. I started to really hate the trend of toxic positivity, especially since it is often offered by people who were lucky to have their situation work out.
I think that the idea of coming up with your own encouragement card is brilliant. I loved A Crack in Everything's version, and I also loved Mali's version in her post.
Here is mine:
1. It is okay to feel absolutely everything that you are feeling.
2. Do things that nourish you while everything is hard, and try not to feel guilty about taking the time to do it.
3. Nothing that happens is because of a thought that you had.
4. Make a list of all the things you ARE, whether you become a parent or not. You are more than this quest.
5. It is okay to say no to things that will make you sad or put yourself in a situation where you feel shitty. You do not have to explain yourself.
6. Make a gratitude list -- so when things are crap, you can look at things that are going well despite the shit circus swirling about you.
7. Find a therapist who understands uncertainty and grief and doesn't cry when you talk (no joke, I had one who literally teared up and said, "you're so strong" on repeat, and that just wasn't helpful when I was like, yep, I LOOK like I am strong, but I am a gooey mess on the inside, which is what you are here for." Then I had one that was absolutely phenomenal and helped me through some of the worst days I've ever had.)
8. Be realistic -- hope for the best, but know the options. Don't be afraid to explore other eventualities. (This is way easier for me to say now that I'm on the other side, but it would have been helpful to explore living without children earlier than I did.) Being realistic will not harm your chances.
9. You are enough. No matter what, right now, wherever you are -- you are enough and you are worthy.
10. You are not a failure. Things might fail around you, but YOU are not a failure.
What would you say to your former self?
Such a good list, Jess! The only good use of positivity is allowing you to feel better - about yourself, your life, etc. I hate the whole "positive thinking" thing when it is used as an excuse about why you did not get what you wanted. (I refuse to use the F word, and so love your #10.)
ReplyDeleteAnecdote: When I was going through my last IVF, I was quite positive. It made the time go easier, but that's all. Still, that's not nothing, and I'm thankful for that. But it had nothing to do with the result. Another woman I was talking to in my city at the same time was completely pessimistic and depressed. As a result of her cycle, she has twins now. I don't. Positive thinking - pah!
What to say to my younger self? It's all about letting go of control. In the moment try to do the things that lead to the best foreseeable outcomes, yes....but don't fool yourself that any mortal controls those outcomes. I knew this was the lesson to learn even then (well it was rudely shoved in my face) but emotions ran too high in the middle of everything to begin to process what it really means to let go of control: First, stop trying to bend reality to your will, and then, further on and deeper in, let go the idea that control is always a good thing. Mostly, what I don't foresee or ask for is exactly what I need. But my younger self could not comprehend that all at once. It's a practice for the rest of my lifetime, lol.
ReplyDeleteI don't know about positive thinking....the kind of thinking that helps me is deep thinking, intuitive thinking, long conversations to work things out thinking. When things feel like they are coming unglued, it's better to think about the next right thing to do...which may or may not feel positive.
I especially like number 5 (#babyshowers).
ReplyDeleteI would say something similar to your point of this post: you didn't cause this and you can't cure it. It.Just.Is.