Empathy and Involuntary Childlessness

A friend of mine is going through the first anniversary of a life-altering event. She thought she had found her person, and then that person turned out very much to not be at all who they purported to be, and she found herself dismantling a life she thought would turn out very differently in just one year. She has also started rebuilding her life in a very short period of time. But it's been hard, and dizzying, and a smack in the face that grief is not linear. 

I don't know exactly what she's going through, but I do know what it was like for me to dismantle a life that didn't turn out the way I'd thought, and then work to rebuild. I remember what it felt like when things were raw and it took a great deal of effort to get up off the floor and resemble a human-like substance. I remember it feeling like the pain would never end, and then feeling like I was fine, okay, doing great... until a sneak attack leveled me. 

A gift of living through the death of a dream is the empathy and perspective it can give you to support others who are going through their own personal tragedies. There are, unfortunately, so many situations where everything you thought was or could be true gets turned on its head. The skills of listening without judgement, sharing strategies or feelings you had while fully acknowledging that no one knows EXACTLY what someone else is going through are so helpful. Being able to share that the body remembers anniversaries and no, you're not crazy for feeling ill and shitty and then realizing it's a year since _______. Being able to share that it's perfectly normal to both appreciate the new things you rebuild while resenting that you have to do it in the first place. Being able to share that often, finding an answer to the question "how are you doing?" is difficult and sometimes you just want to say "TERRIBLE actually. Everything is a steaming shit sandwich." And, feeling the utter exhaustion of all the feelings. 

I would like to think I would have been a good support even if everything had worked out the way I envisioned. I definitely think I'm a better support because I have gone through my own dismantling and rebuilding.