I had a dream two nights ago that we were trying to get pregnant. It got real weird, and at the end my wonky subconscious was like, "you've been pregnant with twins this whole time!" I woke up unsettled.
Later, in the evening, I was telling Bryce about it (even the weird parts), and he said, "is it some kind of anniversary, maybe?"
Huh. I don't hold anniversaries in my memory. I have the blog record to tell me if I want to know, and frankly, most of the time I don't. But Bryce's question made me curious.
Holy crap. THIRTEEN YEARS AGO (how is that even possible?) from when I had the dream, I was pregnant. Thirteen years ago yesterday, I was pregnant. And thirteen years ago today, I started to miscarry.
That's just freaky.
The summers were terrible in 2011 and 2012. I had two losses two years in a row, and because I tried to time cycles during my big chunk of time off, they were always around that July/August timeframe. It really sucked when people asked "how was your summer?" and I was like, "well, I thought I was finally going to be able to say I was expecting my first child, but um, nope, just more personal tragedy. How 'bout you?"
I found the post, Hello/Goodbye, in My Path to Mommyhood, where I'd very helpfully put a timeline of my short-lived happiness and then devastation (maybe skip the photo if a timeline of someone's miscarriage is distressing):
It brought me right back. It put a shadow over the evening yesterday, but I was already feeling inexplicably "off."
I am so grateful that that part of my life is over. It was just one trainwreck after another. It's insane that the 7th graders I'll have next year will be the age that baby would have been. The 8th graders are the age my ectopic would have been. It's a weird feeling. Also weird -- with people retiring and lots of new people in the building, there aren't that many people who know about my saga. I'm coteaching with someone new who is a younger teacher Bonus: no kids on the About Me slideshow! No "as a mother" nonsense! No waxing poetic on the joys of grandchildren! Danger: she's been married for two years and bought a house last year, so it's not out of the realm of possibilities that she could be in that stage of family building relatively soon. Or not. Only time will tell.
How odd that the body has memory, and will remind you of anniversaries even if you are trying not to hang on to that dark time.
Oh yes! The body remembers!! It's so weird. I hate those dreams. I've done the same thing before--gone back to my blog to figure out what happened that date so I knew what was going on with me that day. The body is pretty amazing like that.
ReplyDeleteI've been decluttering my storage unit and going through keepsakes for the last two days. I found my photo album from my first year of teaching and thought, Good God, those kids are 30 now. They have kids of their own now. Or not. And here we all are, frozen in time together, back in 2003. They were really happy memories to remember. That was a long time ago, long before all of my infertility trauma.
I'm glad I'm not in that place of trying to get pregnant anymore. I'm glad I'm not still in the acute, deep grief phase. I can barely believe I survived that level of pain and devastation. I think I blocked a lot out. But, you're right, the body remembers.
Thanks for walking this path with me, my friend. Thank you for your honesty and your vulnerability. You have helped me and others so much. <3
(((Hugs!))) Those dreams can be so vivid!
ReplyDeleteDid I ever tell you about the time I wrote a donation cheque to our pregnancy loss support group -- for an odd amount, in the high three figures?? Luckily, I knew the office admin fairly well, and she called me up to thank me for the "VERY generous" donation -- but added that it was, umm, rather an odd amount! I just about fell over when she told me, because that was definitely NOT the amount I had intended to send! We both laughed and laughed and she said she would tear up that cheque and I sent a new one (very carefully written out! lol). When I checked my chequebook register, I realized the date I'd written that cheque had been my unfulfilled due date, several years earlier. I DEFINITELY believe the body remembers!!
I'm not sure I have the same reactions. But I know it is not uncommon, and must feel a bit weird to get the reminders that way. Sending hugs too.
ReplyDeleteThis is a tangential comment to your journey from 2011/2012 to now, but someone reached out to me this morning to say how much she appreciates hearing from people who come out of infertility better than intact. You inspire. https://thegraftedfamilytree.substack.com/p/to-adopt-or-not-to-adopt-the-fundamental
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