Where My Mothering Energy Goes

Wednesday marks Five Weeks since my knee replacement. FIVE! It is insane that it has both been that long and that short. My leave from work is 12 weeks long. Which means, next week is the halfway point. That is absolutely incomprehensible to me. 

I have turned a corner, which means I am not in constant pain anymore and my meds schedule has become much more streamlined and manageable (Tylenol, ibuprofen starting tomorrow, and oxy only at night when the bones, they make me cry). I am far more independent and mobile -- I don't need my cane in the house anymore, and I use it on the not-so-frequent-occasion that I am out of the house (which has been a total of 3 times -- once for my post-op appointment, once to go out to dinner with my dad, and once to go to our Friday night Maria's in person for the first time this past weekend). I use it on non-rainy-day walks to the mailbox, too. What a wildwoman I am. I am able to cook dinner, and do laundry, and do very exciting things like clean out the bathroom cabinets, organize toiletries, and switch my clothes over from winter to spring. Again, someone rein me in! I'm ca-raaay-zzzyyyy! 

The biggest challenge currently is that I am going freaking stir crazy from not being at school. It's been interesting, because not having that all-consuming piece of my life has freed up a ton of time and mental space. It has made me actually organize things, because other things can take priority. But good god do I miss my kids. 

I used to hate it, absolutely go beserker, when people said "well, your students are your children" as we were struggling to expand our family beyond the two of us and cats. I felt like, HOW DARE YOU insinuate that my job can take the place of my own children! I used to say very snarky things like, "Oh yes, everyone dreams to have a group of 13-14 year olds at the same time with hormones flaring, neurodivergent quirks, and behavior challenges. THE DREAM!" And other times I would say, "yes, well, I love them while I have them, but they don't go home with me and I don't get them for the duration. It is NOT the same." 

I still maintain that it is not the same as having my own children. However, I concede that my students are the recipients of most of my mothering energy. I put just shy of everything I have into my groups each year, whether they are "easier" or "very challenging." I (appropriately) love on my kids every year. I will advocate fiercely for them. I will do my best to have them be better humans when they leave me than when they came in, to varying degrees of success. I hold them to high expectations but also want them to have fun, to be kids, and to grow into the young adults they resemble when they head off to high school. My nurturing energy just flows from me to them, and I am very very proud of knowing my kids, fighting for my kids, and supporting my kids towards greater independence. I partner with families and feel insanely proud when I'm considered part of their "village." 

I also am very grateful that I can come home and have quiet time with Bryce and our cats and not have to split my energy between my students and my own children. I would have been loathe to admit that when deep in the struggle, but I truly believe that I can give so much to my learning community BECAUSE I don't have children of my own. 

So you can imagine, it's been very, VERY hard to be away from all that. It's like a major piece of my identity is on hold. 

But, I am so very lucky that I have the best long term sub in the universe. He is working so hard to keep that connection going, to give me updates, to relay messages from my kids to me so I don't feel like I'm out in the cold. When I'm there, we spend a small chunk of time every Monday 1st period doing "Weekend News." I borrowed this idea from another educator, and it is worth every single minute of the time it takes from direct instruction. Everyone, kids and adults in the room alike, gets 1-2 minutes to share something about their weekend. It can be literally ANYTHING. For one student, it is almost always "Friday I had pepperoni pizza. I watched the football game. I hung out at my grandma's house. And...yeah." Which I love. Over time, the students learn about each other and learn that the adults are humans too. It encourages active listening. And, it is always okay to pass if you're not feeling it. It is also okay to rescind your pass at the end if you decide you DO want to share something after all. I asked the kids once if they thought it was worth the time, and it was a resounding YES. They like that they can share about their lives. Sometimes my students are very very honest and are like "I like that it slow rolls Monday and we have less time for class stuff." Ha! It is so important for connection, and will always be a priority for me. 

So.... starting the first Monday of my leave, I do a Weekend News video Monday morning! I actually set an alarm for it so it comes in during homeroom. I share a little about what's going on, and the kitties, and ups and downs. And then they share right back, which fills my bucket. 

I have nefarious plans to work around the policy that you cannot "step foot on school property" while on leave. When it is nicer out, I am going to have Bryce take me to the driveway outside my classroom door so that I can briefly visit without stepping out of the car, so that I am following the rules (I haven't stepped foot, haha) but can say hi in person. May 19th is just so far away. 

This continued connection is such a gift, and not one every sub would be willing to entertain. It gives that mothering energy a place to go while I'm out recuperating.