Surgery Bloopers

I can't imagine going through life without a sense of humor. It really makes everyday life, but especially inevitable foibles, so much more entertaining. What's that quote? Trauma + time = comedy? There were a few bonkers moments in my hospital experience.

1) My surgeon does not do general anesthesia for a total knee replacement. Instead, both times I got a nerve block, a spinal, and sedation. Last time they said, "you won't feel anything because of the spinal, but we'll make you nice and sleepy for the procedure." To which I replied, "no no-- I see those power tools over there! You will make me ASLEEP!" And they did. 

This time, I had the spinal, and the anesthesiologist put the sedation in my IV (thankfully I'd already had a bit for the nerve block), and was like "night-night!" 

But, THERE WAS NO NIGHT NIGHT. He kept futzing with the IV, and muttering, and I was very much awake. My ridiculous veins made my IV not so effective. So, they set up the blue sheet that I associate with every TV c-section... Awake. I could feel tugging as they positioned my knee... Awake. The anesthesiologist was visibly upset as he adjusted the IV, and I repeated my very-much-aloud mantra "I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE!" while the surgical team STARTED IN ON MY KNEE. I fell asleep before I could hear any power tool sounds or see blood spatter on the blue screen, and I legitimately couldn't feel anything, but THEY TOTALLY STARTED CUTTING WHILE I WAS STILL AWARE. I think right before I went dark, I hollered, "Dude, THIS IS NOT A C-SECTION!" In recovery, my surgeon checked in on me. I asked, "did you start cutting when I was awake???" And he said "yup." 

I wasn't mad, it is kind of cool that you can't feel any of that answer apparently some (possibly psychotic)  people WATCH, but I did say, "that's messed up." Bleccchhhh.

2) In immediate recovery, you still can't feel anything. They don't move you until you can wiggle your toes and feel your feet. Blissfully, it takes a while before you can feel the horrors of what was done to your leg. The last part of you to regain feeling is your pelvic region.

Last time, I said I had to pee and two nurses supported me walking to the bathroom attached to my room. I day down and realized I had peed already... There was a puddle trail leading from the bed to the toilet. The nurses said it happens all the time, but it was still embarrassing. And it is insanely weird to use toilet paper on an area you can't feel at all -- like you're wiping a mannequin's nethers instead of your own. 

So this time, I wasn't in the cushy room area, they had me in the PACU extended stay around the corner from recovery (Post Anesthesia Care Unit). The bathroom was right across the hall, but it was shared and the pathway was public. I got excellent, fast care so the fact that the ambience wasn't posh mattered not a bit to me, but the bathroom situation was less than ideal.

I sat in my bed, talking with Bryce, when my leg started to itch. I scratched at the bandage (they ace bandage your ENTIRE LEG like a mummy), and my hand came away...wet. Oh holy jeezum. I slowly realized that I had full on emptied my bladder in bed, WHILE TALKING TO PEOPLE, and couldn't feel it. They had to change my sheets, change my bandaging, change my gown. I was mortified. 

A little while later I walked to the bathroom (with the support of a nurse and a walker), and realized I was dribbling my way across the public hall. Nooooo! It was at this point I was offered adult Pull-ups. I took them, and made some lame joke about how this was a glimpse into my future, very sexy. I didn't end up "needing" the extra protection, but it did give me be peace of mind. I felt more dignified knowing that should I spring a leak again,  I'd be covered. Amply, and with much crinkling.

If those were the only two things to go awry, I count myself lucky! I do enjoy that horrifying and/or embarrassing moments can later become at most hilarious, and at least good stories. Life is never boring.