So you know how I had horrible flutters last week, and my anxiety was pretty much in full flower?
Yeah, that may have been my fault.
I have this horrible habit of self-adjusting my anxiety & depression medication.
See, I want to believe that I don't need it, that I feel better and so naturally that means I can go down 25mg, because maybe I don't need these meds to feel good, maybe I can do it myself.
Spoiler alert: I need these meds.
I had just started going back to my normal prescribed dose when the flutter attacks started. Now I've been back for a week and...they're gone. It's also break and so my stress has been greatly reduced, but I'm pretty sure the bigger correlation is needlessly messing with my brain chemistry.
I first started taking medication for anxiety when I was at the tail end of my first marriage, and so I associated it with unhappiness. I resisted going on medication when going through infertility, and only when I hit crisis point four years ago did I submit to my body's need for extra regulation. I'm better when I'm medicated: I'm less gray, less neurotic, and only slightly less likely to doom spiral.
I need to make a sticker with this quote from Glennon Doyle's Untamed and put it on the inside of the kitchen cabinet door where I keep my meds:
"Going off meds because you feel better is jefe standing in a torrential rainstorm holding a trusty umbrella that is helping you dry and thinking: Wow. I'm so dry. It's probably time to get rid of this silly umbrella."
Good idea. Maybe I'll go put it on a post-it note and stick it on that door RIGHT NOW.
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That's a great quote and excellent advice! I'm so glad you're feeling better. HUGS.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're feeling better too.
ReplyDeleteI understand the thought process of "I'm feeling/coping/managing better; maybe I don't need this anymore." But I've engaged in that cycle several times and it never leads me to feeling better. Now I just accept that my anti-depressant helps me feel less heavy (my depression is a physical feeling throughout my body, I'm not talking about my weight) and helps me get out of bed each day (which is the hardest part of each day for me). There's so much air pollution and weird stuff in our food supply. Plus, my parents and grandparents have had their own mental health difficulties, whether they were treated or not. I just accept that my biochemistry is a product of my genetics and my environment. It's not my fault at all. I'm just glad there's medication available for me.
Keep your umbrella during the rainstorm, I like it!
That's a really great quote. Good for you for posting that on your door RIGHT NOW.
ReplyDeleteDoom spirals are no fun.