You Don't Know Until You Know

I am terrible at collecting the mail in my mailbox at school. I grabbed it yesterday morning, and there was a little slip of paper in it. 

A teacher is having her first baby, and a birthday pool was organized to bet on when the baby will arrive, as well as a baby shower. This is a lovely gesture -- our school comes together to support people in lots of ways, and it's great to celebrate someone's happy event. 

I flipped the slip over, and there was a cute letterboard thing that said "And then there were three..." 

But also, a freaking ultrasound photo. In everyone's mailbox. Completely and utterly unavoidable. 

I immediately thought of several people I know who have suffered losses recently. Of people going through infertility treatment without success. Of all the people who would have a punch to the gut and suffer in silence. 

My hallway neighbor who had a devastating loss last year, who has been impacted by other announcements recently, deserved a heads up. I popped in and said "Did you check your mailbox? DON'T!" 

Well, apparently they went into mailboxes yesterday,  and since I didn't check it in a timely fashion... she'd already seen it. And felt the feels. 

The papers were set up by someone in the main office and not the pregnant person. I decided... how will anyone ever know that ultrasound pictures are tremendous triggers for so many if NO ONE TELLS THEM? That the picture hurts for: 

- childless not by choice due to infertility
- childless not by choice due to social circumstances
- people going through infertility treatment who wonder if they'll ever get a picture like that
- people who suffered losses at any stage
- people who never got to be pregnant for whatever reason
- probably other situations I haven't even thought of.

So, I took a deep breath, called on my empathy reserves, and prepared to have a very uncomfortable conversation in the kindest way possible, not knowing if there would be defensiveness or ire, because who am I to rain on someone's happy parade with sad feelings (but collective sad feelings)? 

I am SO INSANELY GRATEFUL that it went okay. I explained that ultrasound pictures are triggering even though they are EVERYWHERE (facebook, emails, CHRISTMAS CARDS, profile pictures, ugh), and that we have a lot of people (the WORLD has a lot of people) that saw that and it opened up a wound. Or put salt in an oozing wound. Or poked at scar tissue with tiny needles. 

She teared up and said, "I am so sorry! I didn't know, I would never want to cause anyone pain!" 

"Of course not! And I'm not here to make you feel bad. I'm here because how will anyone ever know unless we talk about it? You didn't know. Now you know, and it can go differently next time." 

She asked if it triggered me. I said it was a bit of an unpleasant surprise, but no, I never got to that stage, so that particular type of ultrasound doesn't hit me the same way. Plus it was, at this point, so long ago. My last IVF cycle ended in cancellation...HOLY SHIT, almost exactly 10 years ago. How is that possible? 

It was interesting, because she was like, "I had a loss once, and I just thought, 'it happens, just try again' and didn't let it bother me too much." To which I gently said, "and that worked for you, and was what you thought, but not everyone has that experience. Not everyone gets a rainbow baby. Not everyone's gazillion needles result in a picture with a baby in the middle. IVF fails. A lot. There are so many more stories out there of things ending with a baby than the alternative." 

She got it, and then shared about a family member who tried to freeze her eggs because a partner wasn't materializing, only to find that insurance wouldn't pay for the meds for that purpose and so it was prohibitively expensive. And how worried this person was that she'd get to her 40s and finally find a person and it would be too late. I think a lightbulb went off at that moment in our conversation. 

At the end, she said, "Thank you so much for telling me. I really appreciate it." 

"Thank you for listening, not everyone would have the way you have." 

And we hugged. 

It was insanely uncomfortable. I felt like I was trying so hard to be kind, to not activate the human reflex to be defensive, but to also educate. And thank goodness, it went well. It was empowering. 

Different situation, but it reminded me of The Next 15000 Days' moment of bravery, speaking up for her right to have no children and ALSO (gasp!) have a private life outside of work. 

Keep speaking up, friends! Tiny moments like these can make a difference. When people know, they can do better. (Cue Maya Angelou quote...)

Found on instagram, no credit given but thank you! 

Oh! Found this gem along the way, too. Perfect.

I learned a long time ago the wisest thing I can do is be on my own side, be an advocate for myself and others like me.

- Maya Angelou