Last week we were putting away Christmas decorations, and we needed another bin. We have stuff in our attic space that has been there since we moved, and I knew we had bins we could use if we emptied them. Bryce found a bin of old binders from school to unload.
And then I realized... I had a bin that was only about a quarter of the way full.
What seems like forever ago, when we packed up our nursery and donated the majority of the contents, I kept a bin of things I wasn't quite ready to let go of yet. I have been slowly shedding things from that bin ever since -- books and blocks and floor puzzles and stuffies and puppets that have gone piecemeal to other friends with small children. A soft barn owl stuffed animal that now lives in my classroom and has been named Chicken Wing by this year's group of students. Receiving blankets that we repurposed around the house (great to cover office chairs or things you don't want cat hair on).
A few years ago, I donated a bunch of baby stuff when we went to Vermont. I'd been hanging on to a bin in my car, and finally had the strength to donate it. It hurt. But I knew I had the bin left in the attic. There were still snippets.
Now the snippets of things I can't use are gone. I emptied the bin, saving only a box of cards from our baby shower (ooof) and the sign-in book. (Although, I honestly don't really get the point of those when we have cards. It's always got 50 extra pages because we're not royalty, and I don't ever go, "oh, let's see who signed in to my event years ago!" Strange custom.)
What's gone -- Halloween board books, the El El Frijoles onesie from Maine, the batik jellyfish onesie from the Corn Hill Festival, the Blueberries for Sal onesie someone got us, and some beautiful hand-knit items from Bryce's mom. We could hang on to them in a sealed plastic bin in a cobwebby corner of the attic space, or they could get used and worn by actual human babies. We gave the things to our lovely cleaning lady, who has a family member who's having a baby soon.
I didn't take a picture. But then again, I feel like I have a zillion pictures. I have so much chronicled here and at My Path to Mommyhood. If I want to revisit moments and beautiful things that were never used by our mythical baby, I have lots of places to go. I don't need to keep things from having a life somewhere else. (I actually just looked at pictures from the blogs, and sure enough, the spectral version of these things live there.)
It made me a little sad, but I didn't cry. It felt more freeing than devastating.
I feel pretty good about that.
Wow. I love this. It's a powerful moment, isn't it? To realise that letting go is "freeing" rather than "devastating." I'm so glad for you. As you say, it's not as if you're ever going to forget.
ReplyDeleteSo powerful! It's funny, because as I shared this with Bryce and talked about it verbally, I did tear up. But it's not like it ruined my day(s). So true -- I will never forget, but I don't need to hang on to things that are getting no use when someone else could use them. <3
DeleteI have about 8 onesies left. I just stumbled across them the other day. The onesies are from either my college or my favorite bands, so I'd like to give them to someone who'd appreciate them. But I don't know anyone who would use them so... Maybe I'll just send them off to the second hand store and hope they find good homes? The onesies are the last things I have, not counting the pictures of my embryos which I will probably keep forever.
ReplyDeleteOh yes. I have the Box of Grief and Documents, which has embryo pictures, cards, notes, etc. That will never go until all things must go in general. But the onesies... I wanted them to go where they could be used. If I didn't know someone who could use them, I thought about donating them to a domestic violence shelter or something like that.
DeleteIt's hard to let go, but it was time, for me. It's been a gradual shedding. I wonder if you found a place that helps underserved people or people in need, like a homeless shelter or other shelter, that they would find a wonderful new home. I won't lie, it's kind of hard to think of someone putting their baby in a onesie that has a backstory and a significance and having them know nothing about it, but maybe that will make it a little mystery. oof.
Your comment made me think! What if a mother/baby gets one of my college onesies, has never heard of the university, looks it up, and decides to set a goal to go there?? It's a great school with an incredible scholarship program, so I don't hesitate recommending where I went to anyone. That's exciting to think about. Thank you, Jess. :)
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