Missed the Mark

Obviously, JD Vance is an idiot for his "Democrats are childless cat ladies" comments (among other reasons). This is the same guy who thinks that childless people shouldn't get the right to vote but parents should be able to vote: extra for each child they have. It is patently RIDICULOUS to say that people without children have no stake (or "direct stake" to quote more accurately) in the future. I want a better future for all, not just for the child I (didn't) bring into the world. Lots of people feel the same. 

However, I was very disappointed in the Washington Post's response to those comments as directed at Kamala Harris (gift link). 

It was a great opportunity for people to assert that yes, not having children (biological or not) is NOT A DISQUALIFYING CHARACTERISTIC. That your qualifications and stake in the future have nothing to do with the (in)activities of your womb. 

But, instead, it seemed the chorus became BUT SHE'S A STEPMOM! SHE'S MOMALA! which sure  made me feel like the message was "OH GOD NO, she's NOT one of those SAD childless women, she HAS KIDS she's helped to raise! She's really ONE OF US!"

This is not to besmirch the importance of step-parents at all, they are absolutely important. I have at least one. My sister is one. It's a hard and rewarding role. 

It just felt like a missed opportunity to fight the pronatalist status quo and point out that not having children doesn't make you an oblivious, selfish, uninvested stain on humanity. 

Sigh.

Pronatalism and Schools

Oh, school district meetings that make you feel distinctly othered...

We had a leadership meeting today, and it was about different strategic initiatives: changing start times, building usage (our 9th grade building is closing and merging with the grades 10-11 high school in two years), fiscal responsibility, future planning. 

Part of future planning is the looming specter of continued declining enrollment. It's been a conversation for a while, but the most recent comparison was that enrollment in the 2014-2015 school year was about 6,042 students, and projections for this coming year are 5,081 with it dropping further in projected years out to 28-29 to about 4,835. Sorry for the dry number talk, but what it basically means is, we are going to have continued cutting of things since we won't have as many students to staff for. 

This led to the weirdest brainstorming conversation ever. Basically, the community where I teach is an aging community -- the largest demographic age is 55 and up, and new housing that's being built trends more towards condos and retirement/downsizing opportunities. So, the vast majority of people voting (or not voting) on school budget stuff don't have kids in the schools anymore. And, apparently, when you don't have kids in the school anymore, there's no reason to care about funding.

Literally everything about today was done with the assumption that "we are all parents" and "we all know the struggles of parenthood." And then people started calling out things like "get the old people out!" and "we need more young people who are going to have families!" There was also talk about how all these 3-4 bedroom homes that used to have 2-4 kids in them are now either a) older people without kids in school who aren't moving out because their adult children want the family home to stay as is, or b) young people without kids who have the audacity to buy homes with multiple bedrooms and not procreate immediately (or at all). 

Okay, quick check on messaging: a) old people bad, b) families good, c) if you don't have kids, you shouldn't take up valuable real estate that could house potential customers I mean students, d) how do we attract the breeders? MORE CHILDREN! WE NEED MORE CHILDREN! 

We were supposed to make a newsprint visual of headlines to talk about how these initiatives could be received if they all go swimmingly. I half ironically said we should make one "Blessed be the fruit." I think I found that more appropriate than anyone else at my table. Oddly, it did not make it to the final product.

The whole morning felt like a total example of "as a mother" or "as a father," but really only thinking from your personal point of view. Like when it came to matters of transportation, participation in sports/clubs, and equity, people were like, "well, I drive my kid to practice..." and I was like, "Yep -- YOU drive YOUR KID to practice -- but there are so many families that don't have that option easily." Everyone's first frame of reference is a mirror of their own experience. 

I have paid school taxes for most of my adult life, and I have never had a child in the system. I pay because it's mandatory, but it's also because it's good for humanity, for the future generations, and for home values. A community that values its schools and libraries is important to me. It doesn't matter whether I have kids or not, it benefits EVERYONE to have a solid education system. I don't teach where I live, so I truly have no skin in the game. And the community where I teach is one where it used to be 75% of staff also lived there, and it was said today with some chagrin that now it's only about 52%. But these meetings always read like it's assumed that we all live in the community as well. 

It's super uncomfortable. 

But, when it comes to declining enrollment, it seemed certain realities are being ignored: 

- more people are choosing not to have kids (many young millennials are making this choice for reasons below)

- more people, if they choose to have kids, are having fewer

- more people are facing infertility and so having fewer or no kids due to factors outside their control

- it is expensive to have kids, and it is expensive to buy a house. To do both is prohibitive for A LOT of people

- our community used to be (and sort of still is) a very insular, Catholic community -- large families were a hallmark of the community. But large families are not the norm anymore, and I don't see that changing due to expenses and concerns about climate, among other reasons. 

It makes sense that schools are family-centric. We need children and families, because no students = no schools. But we also need to acknowledge that not everyone who works in schools is a parent, and the community members who are not currently rearing the next generation have value. And a voice. It feels like erasure when it's assumed everyone has the same experience. 

Another Podcast About IVF

I've been listening to This Podcast Will Kill You for a little while, and I really enjoy it. I mean, I have to be careful because I pretty much convinced myself that I had MS, lupus, and Parkinson's through listening, but I have also learned about menopause, migraine, asthma, arsenic, skin cancer, lightning, thalidomide, endometriosis, alcohol, and Henrietta Lacks and the HeLa cells (sounds like a band but it's not). It's a little risky if you hear symptoms and immediately think OMG I'M DEFINITELY DYING. I have been focusing more on the episodes that either a) are things I already know I have or b) aren't things I think I could develop.

I love it because it's two women, both epidemiologists and disease ecologists, and they discuss the topic from multiple perspectives -- history, biological, technological, and first-hand accounts. So much centers on how women and people of color have been done dirty by the medical establishment, particularly the research arm, and how misconceptions have either been debunked or persist in various aspects of women's health. Also, each episode gets a specialty cocktail, the Quarantini, and they also have an alcohol-free Placebo-rita. Which is fun. 

The most recent two episodes and the episode coming this week, though, focus on...IVF. I debated listening to it. Listening to the NYT podcast The Retrievals was both informative/validating but also brought up a lot of feelings. Sad feelings. A bubbling up of my grief magma. I'm glad I did it, but it was at a cost. This, though, promised to be well-researched and peppered with first-hand accounts. 

It's really good. 

And what I love best is that the first-hand accounts are a mix of people who ended up with babies, and...not. And a lot about the complex emotional toll of IVF, and the wide, WIDE range of experiences. It was FASCINATING to hear what goes in to success rate data (was it fresh? frozen? success per retrieval? success per person?) and how the actual numbers are closer to 25%, which is a lot lower than what's typically touted. I'd nab it exactly but the transcript for the second episode isn't up yet. You can hear the hosts realizing the complexity and the impact of IVF throughout the episodes. 

One first-hand account was self-described as an "IVF Long-Hauler." I've never heard that term, but I guess that's what I would have been considered. She listed off all the cycles that they did, and how having insurance made a difference because they have funds to try gestational carrier as they've exhausted the ability to do transfers (in all the ways you can exhaust -- physically, emotionally...). She said they'd reached their "Heartbreak Threshold" for that part of their journey. I do love that term, "Heartbreak Threshold." I remember someone quoting from the play "The Miracle Worker" to me -- "How many times are you going to let them break your heart? Oh, countless." I think it was less inspirational than cautionary, but it stuck with me. (Even though persistence in that case wins out eventually, and it decidedly did not for me.)

I love that there is such a variety of voices, and that those that didn't end with a baby make sure to state that WE EXIST. 

I plan to listen to the third episode, which will focus on the industry and current technologies. I really hope they talk about the influence of it becoming an industry and the ways people are vulnerable to claims and "extras." The hosts are doing a great job so far, so I can't imagine they won't touch on the seedy underbelly. 

So, take a listen, or just feel good knowing that there's another place where the stories of people who didn't find success in IVF are a part of the mix, just as much as those who left with a baby. I'd be interested to know what you think about it.

Note: There is one IVF evangelical person who talks about their "miracle baby" ad nauseum that sort of made me want to stab things, but most of the firsthand accounts aren't like that.

Illicit Picnic

I am not what you would call a risk-taker. Bryce makes fun of me (gently) and calls me "Safety Jess" because I am constantly reminding us about the rules, and the safety things, and not breaking the rules, and OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU BREAKING THE RULES?. 

So it was surprising that I went along with a spontaneous plan that was definitely not within the rules yesterday. 

We had a lovely 4th of July picnic, where we found a spot, cooked up some burgers on Bryce's portable gas burner, and sat enjoying an epic view.

It was a great spot... but it was totally AGAINST THE RULES. There's a big hill with a fancy hotel/golf course at the top, and many office parks off the road going up, up, up. This was a patio at one of those office buildings.

OMG, so much rule-breaking! We cooked, we enjoyed, and we sat and read in the chairs you can't see. We also wiped down the table and left things better than we found them, which made me feel better. Especially since there was a camera on the lightpost in the parking lot, and it was pointed at the patio, and so maybe we gave a security guard something different to watch? A car pulled up at one point and I just about had a heart attack, but it sat behind that pine tree for a moment and then drove away. I wonder if they also had the idea to picnic here and then saw us and thought maybe we belonged? 

It was spontaneous. It was thrilling. It was definitely something we wouldn't have done had we had children. 

We also had the wacky idea to maybe come back and plant some drought-resistant flowers in those pots and see what happens. They are currently just overflowing with weeds. Then we could be like cat burglars who also polish the glass cases that once held the jewels, haha. It also took a lot not to weed the plantings they had around the border. 

I am proud that I didn't freak out the whole time, and that I agreed to do it. I will admit I was listening for sirens and expecting a security truck to come yell at us at any time. But, 4th of July, so many people had off and the place was deserted. So, we had a very respectful squatter's picnic and enjoyed the breeze and the view and Bryce's tasty burgers, and celebrated our nation's independence from a king which feels, um, particularly poignant at the moment. 

Happy 4th!

Start of Summer

Today is the 5th day of my Teacher Summer, and the third weekday where I did not have to wake up to an alarm. Sometimes, I make overzealous plans of all the things I will accomplish over the summer. I don't think I'll do that this year. 

So far, summer looks like: 

- long walks on the rail trail
- reading books
- digging holes and planting things
- waking up when I want to (which is often the same time as usual, but then I read and hurkle-durkle, which is lovely)
- afternoon naps
- sitting outside
- doing puzzles

Sooooo... a whole lot of recovery activities and giving myself permission to be goo for a little bit. I did not have a particularly stressful year, but it still takes a lot out of a body to be "on" all day, to not laugh at middle school double entendre jokes when you desperately want to, to not be able to pee when you need to, and to have way more stuff to do than you have time to do it. Not to mention doing all that in extreme heat. I am so so so grateful for both my home air conditioning and the cooler weather these past couple days.

However, I cannot just step away entirely, as evidenced by my delight in receiving a package today that contained... my NEW PLANNING BOOK for next year! And it is a thing of beauty. I used to make my own in a binder, but last year I decided to treat myself to a pre-done one that is beautiful and organized and might actually motivate me to get what's in my head down on paper, and it worked. But this year? I discovered you can CUSTOMIZE the COVERS: 

Front

Back

Now, when I look at my planning book, I will see my lovely husband, my adorable kitties, my flowers, and my best friend. They will be with me, silent and stationary, all day. I couldn't wait, I put all the holiday stickers in and marked all the places where there are Superintendent's Day Conferences and breaks and such. 

So, still relaxing, but also a peek into things I can do to make my next school year, which unfortunately is foretold to be much more stressful, more pleasant for myself. Ahhhhh.