My anxiety is spiking again, probably mostly due to a situation at school that has been stressful and then absolutely escalated this last week, leaving me a bit of a wreck. It's better and on the way to being resolved now but I'm still experiencing aftershocks.
So when we had a windstorm Saturday night (thankfully not anywhere near the horrific tornadoes Midwest), Bryce was trying to distract me by talking about how he's been thinking about how he thinks -- in pictures, in sentences, in chunks... And he asked what I thought.
Good gracious. I basically said, "well, every time the winds hit the sliding glass door and it pops and crackles, I can see it blowing in and shards of glass everywhere and I think in should put my glasses on to protect my eyes and then I wonder if we could grab both cats so they wouldn't run out and then one of us could go in the garage and get the plywood to shore up the gaping jagged edged hole in our house."
And that's when Bryce said, "oh yeah. That's your anxiety brain alright!"
I guess I think in horrific images paired with rapid fire stream of consciousness What-ifs and contingency plans. Fun.
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Oh dear. I'm sure stress leading up to the end of the year isn't helping. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteI definitely think in a combination of images and sentences and what-ifs.
And if it makes you feel any better, this isn't dissimilar to a conversation I had two days ago with D! There was a crossword clue about opals, and I thought of Coober Pedy in Australia, where they mine opals and a large number of the houses (and even hotels) are underground, and I imagined being in one during an earthquake and seeing the roof caving in. I then thought about the cave systems in Cappadocia in Turkey, where they do have earthquakes, and wondered why they hadn't caved. I didn't tell him that every night when I strip off my clothes for bed, if I'm standing naked I am hoping there won't be an earthquake right then! I didn't come up with contingency plans, though I do have them here for earthquakes (though it is recommended to do so).
I also have wind images of our roof blowing off (because it happens in this city). lol
Oh my gosh your opal visual is horrifying! But I am very much comforted to know that I am not alone in worst-case-scenario-ing. Ugh, wind. I freaking hate wind. And I can only imagine the whole caves caving in threat, and earthquakes! Underground hotels sound terrifying. Kind of like that underwater hotel in one of the Jaws movies. Ick. Glad our biggest natural disaster here is snow-and-ice related (although wind is coming up as a major contender lately).
DeleteI get it. There are times when my anxiety brain goes first to the worst. At one time it was probably a highly adaptive trait for humans to have.
ReplyDeleteI like that, "first to the worst." Well, not the actual experience, but your description. :) I bet it was highly adaptive! It's like my brain is like WHY AREN'T YOU GRATEFUL? I JUST SAVED YOU FROM A FREAKING PREDATOR! Sigh
DeleteI wish I got paid for all of the overtime my anxiety brain has been working lately!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm currently reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck. It's helping. Next up is the book you recommended a while back, First We Make the Beast Beautiful.
I'm also reminding myself that my current anxiety is Not My Fault. There are so many major stressors that are out of my control. I can only do my best to manage it all. Slow, deep breaths... And occasional 5-minute crying spells to release...
Thinking of you! <3
I have seen that book everywhere! The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, I mean. I haven't read it yet. The two I've read recently that have been helpful are Burnout: Unlocking the Stress Cycle and Buy the F*cking Lilies. I return to First We Make the Beast Beautiful a lot, I should do that now. Although I do get irrationally mad at her for the whole sugar thing. :)
DeleteYes, crying! And the mantra "Not My Fault" is so great. Thank you for the perspective! I hope you are doing okay too, having this much anxiety daily is exhausting. overtime pay would be amazing! :)