A Problem With Personal Leave

As a public school teacher, my employment terms are determined by a contract. Individually, I can't really negotiate anything different. But, what the union negotiates influences my salary and my benefits positively, for now and in retirement. 

There is one thing in our contract that recently caused an issue, and led to a conversation with an unexpected ally. I am hoping when the contract is up for renegotiation, in 2027 (which sounds bananas and futuristic even though it's only 3 years away), we can get it changed. Maybe even earlier. 

We get two personal days without reason. These can be taken any time EXCEPT the day before or after a holiday or break. We get one personal day WITH reason, and that can be taken anytime in the calendar, but with caveats. Things like a boiler exploding, or a graduation, taking an exam needed for licensure, legal matters like closing on a house, etc. You don't have to use your personal days (and I rarely do, and up until now never more than one), and if you don't they roll over into sick, which is handy because that protects you with salary if you're out on a medical leave. I haven't used a lot of personal days, but I sure have used sick time for infertility, illness, and recovering from major surgeries. 

Enter the problem. 

We were planning our tickets to fly out to L.A. for my dad's Lifetime Achievement Award ceremony, which is on a Sunday at the start of February Break. I got nervous about flying out on Saturday (because air travel is horrific now), so we wanted to leave on Friday to leave enough buffer for delays, especially because we need to bring formalwear with us. I requested a Personal Day With Reason, because it is a celebration honoring a family member. 

EXCEPT. 

The contract only covers celebrations and honors for "the teacher, spouse, or child." Not parent. I had to go all the way to HR, and unfortunately didn't get my answer before we had to buy tickets, but we're leaving Friday evening so it worked out. 

That's not the point, though. How freaking pronatalist that it only covers me, my spouse, and (nonexistent) children? It made me mad. Shouldn't it cover an event of celebration and honor for any LOVED ONE? 

Because, we have an increasing number of younger teachers who are single and don't have children, and aren't interested in changing that at this point. It seems that younger people are less interested in conventional norms anyway (and god do I feel like a middle-aged old person saying "the young people"). Fewer millennials and Gen Z people are getting married and/or having kids for a variety of reasons. So that's excluding an awful lot of employees. 

Then another teacher, who is fairly recently divorced and has grown children, was incensed. "It's not fair! It should just be two personal days you can take any time, and one you need approval for. People with kids can take so many more days! And I have really close friends who are basically family, but I can't use that day for their events. It needs to go." 

I AGREE. Take out the specific caveat that makes you tier who is truly "important enough" in your life. Take out the specific caveat that leaves people who are single with no children unable to celebrate any of the other people who fill their lives quite nicely. 

I wonder if we can change it sooner.... 

Do you have policies that favor people with spouses and children? 

Celebrate the Things

Today is our 15th Engage-O-Versary. 

Fifteen years ago on Martin Luther King Day (I choose the holiday and not the actual date), I wrote Bryce a letter and we made a yummy fancy dinner and I sweated profusely while he read my letter that was a treatise on why we should get married. 

He said yes, thank goodness! (Bryce asked how I remember this date, and I think it's partially because I'm the one who proposed.)

We went out tonight for German food and had a little celebration. No presents, just a night out to commemorate the day. 

I think it's important to celebrate the days, big and small. We don't do anything huge, but it's a milestone -- just like June 6th will be our Bench-O-Versary, 18 years since our first date which started with coffee and in the middle resulted in smooching on a bench in a cute neighborhood. Our relationship can vote this summer! 

When you don't have kids, there aren't as many milestones and markers for time. There are fewer celebratory moments in theory, but I reject that. Find all the celebration and markers possible. It can be relationship-oriented, or job-oriented (this June I get my 15 years of service recognition from my district, that will be worth celebrating!), or personal goal related (like taking up a new hobby or cooking something new). Doesn't have to be big. 

I love that on this cold, dark, dreary day in January there's something to celebrate. 

Cheers! 

Sometimes It Bubbles Up

I cried, hard, last night. Hot tears that just kept leaking down my face. It caught me by total surprise. 

I've been really tired lately -- it's been very gray, and dark, and blah wintry. I don't think that helped. 

I have a coworker and friend who is much younger than me, and we briefly shared a room last year when there was some construction going on. She had to go through infertility treatments to have her daughter, and had explored what it would take to have a second child, but was coming to peace with the idea of having one child. 

I bet you can see where this is going. 

She pulled me aside after the break to let me know that she had found out she was expecting on New Year's. It was a total shock for her, because it was completely not a planned thing, and she didn't think it was possible. She was very respectful and empathetic, and wanted me to know because she was going to be out more often, and it was giving me a heads up. She even said, "I feel like I'm the person I always hated when I was struggling, that mythical spontaneous pregnancy person. It's real weird." It's weird too because now it's like, how to be pregnant as a "normal" person, when there's not all the monitoring that comes with infertility clinics, and the stress that comes with that. I'm glad that her doctor is empathetic and will monitor as much as needed for peace of mind. That's such a gift. 

I was good, and really proud of myself for how good I was. I am excited for her. This is not something that is even remotely possible for me, and we are at least 15 years apart, so this is so different than when people were pregnant and I was raw with the mystery of why it was always others and never ever me. Why the "miracle" and the "rainbow" just always passed right on over and around me.

My friend had an ultrasound recently, and I was nervous for her. It is so early. So I checked in, and things are good, but I made the not-so-great mistake of walking closer when she took her phone out. I briefly thought, "oooh, maybe don't look at a 5-6 week ultrasound, nope nope nope" but then was like, "You're GOOD! You can do this!" 

Spoiler alert, I cannot do this. 

I was fine for a while, and then the sadness just bubbled up. I have exactly one ultrasound picture with a little bubble in it, that was the first and the last where maybe it could have worked. Hers was more robust than my doomed little bubble, but it brought me back to that feeling. The hope and the devastation. The wondering if this one flimsy printed picture was all we'd ever have, the closest we'd ever get. The realization over the next few years that yep, that was it. 

The feelings of loss just bubbled up and over until I couldn't contain them anymore. I wasn't sad for me now as much as I was sad for me in 2012 and the soul crushing years that followed until there was the peace of knowing that it was over, that it wasn't going to be a possibility.  It hit me hard, and then ebbed away when I was finally drained of tears. 

I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation that is going to go perfectly fine but I am still dreading. I do not want to see any more early ultrasounds. Second trimester and on? Absolutely. I can handle all the things that are after my brief experience with having something sort of growing inside me. But it is too close to see those reminders of what was, of what wasn't, and what will never be. 

It's good to know where that boundary lies. It's good to give myself grace for feeling so sad, and to know that it doesn't mean I'm not in a good place or I'm not happy in my life now. It's a reminder that grief and loss are bundled up in my beautiful "after" life. Sometimes they are rolled deep inside, and sometimes they push up and erupt. Nothing is all good or all bad, all happy or all sad. I just had a little more sad than happy yesterday.

The Books of 2023

I suck at GoodReads. I want to not suck at it, and try to dip back in again from time to time, but it just feels like one more thing to maintain for some reason. So I just use my Keep app to keep track of my books read, and then tally them up at the end of the year by month and by genre. 

2023 was a great reading year, probably in part because of my knee surgery (although pain meds and reading don't go well together). Last year I read 79 books, which was disappointing because I usually like to hit 100. This year I also didn't hit 100, but I hit 91. AND I didn't feel pressure, like past years where I didn't read superlong books because of The Count. Actually, I might have read a ton more pages this year, but I'll never know because I SUCK AT GOODREADS. 

My best reading month was August, with 12 books read. My worst was tied between January, May, and September with 5 books read each of those. 

There is intersectionality in the categories below, but here's the breakdown: 

33 books were Young Adult

77 were Fiction

14 were Nonfiction 

9 were books Bryce gifted me (although there were more that he was going to gift me that I bought myself)

33 were Twisty/Mystery/Horror

15 were Fantasy/Speculative Fiction/Sci Fi

37 were "Diverse Books" that were written by and about people whose identities and experiences differ from mine and offer a window, mostly BIPOC/LGBTQIA+/Disability

I would say the book that I didn't enjoy the most was (and please forgive me if you loooove this book), A Little Life by Hanya Yanigahara. It was long. It was heavy. It was beautifully written, and it did reduce me to tears on more than one occasion, but oh my god. So much sexual abuse and trauma, so much self harm. AND I read it because people at school wanted to read it together because it was on TikTok for something, and I'm the only one who finished it! In SEPTEMBER no less, when I really don't want to wallow in awfulness. I guess I'm glad I read it but heavens, not my favorite. 

The book that made me think the most was White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Racism and How to Do Better by Regina Jackson and Saira Rao. It was a very, very necessary book about the role white women play in upholding racism and the patriarchy, and how often white women are the first to say they want to help and the first to flee when things get hard and bias is called out. It was uncomfortable. It was very, very thinky. It made me examine myself and my role, and where I need to do better. Really, really good, because it was really, really difficult but necessary.

My top 12 Books (I couldn't limit to just 10) of the year: 

#1, 🏆, the BEST book of 2023 according to me: 

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin 
OMG so good, the writing is beautiful, and I don't at all care about the world of video game development but this book pulled me in and refused to let go. I laughed, I cried. It was sooo good. Did I mention it was good?

The rest are not in any particular order: 

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt
An octopus is one of the characters! So much heart, some mystery, tons of humanity (often the most from the octopus), just beautiful.

Red Clocks by Leni Zumas 
The cover is basically a somewhat-sneaky origami vulva which is amazing, speculative fiction about militant control over women's bodies that was frankly much more realistic fiction now, but told fromb varying perspectives including infertility and a younger person who is pregnant not by choice, handled really well.

Yonder by Jabari Asim 
A slim and yet insanely poetic book about the horrors of slavery but also the peril of escaping, difficult yet hope-filled and stuck with me long after I finished it.

The Maid by Nita Prose 
I just loved this mystery with a main character who is quirky and struggles with social skills and loves, Loves, LOVES being a hotel maid, but whose Gran has just died and a murder has happened in her hotel and somehow through her social missteps she is a prime suspect and so has to try to solve the mystery herself... It is DELIGHTFUL. Twisty and funny and heartfelt. And, the second book came out this year too which is also quite good!

Lone Women by Victor LaValle
I love Victor LaValle -- if you haven't read The Changeling, go read it. I mean, if you like twisty, unpredictable, everything-is-not-as-it-seems books with a touch of Nordic mythology thrown in for fun, you will love it. This one was about a Black woman who goes to homestead on the prairie after her parents have died somewhat suspiciously, and she has this giant chest/trunk that is locked and can NEVER BE UNLOCKED or else... well, some unfortunate people find out. It is AWESOME and very empowering, also scary and I learned some history. 

When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill
Oh, this book was deliciously bonkers. It involves a reality where women suddenly become dragons, a "dragoning," and the government/patriarchy is hellbent on pretending it's not happening and quelling this insane empowerment of women. It's like Don't Look Up but with dragons and feminism instead of a extinction comet. 

We Deserve Monuments by Jas Hammonds
Ooooh, this book. YA, a girl and her mom go South to take care of her ailing grandma, but all is not as it seems and there's a whole lot of history that the main character discovers about her family. There's a trio of friends, violence, queer romance, mystery, and the end! Holy crap the end. So good. 

Mickey 7 by Edward Ashton
Another bonkers selection, but so good! Mickey is an "Expendable," someone who gets their consciousness uploaded so that they can do dangerous stuff on this colonization mission on a planet that as soon as they land, is not at all as advertised. As soon as he kicks it, they create a new body and upload his consciousness into it. Except at the start of the book, he has a mishap and is presumed dead, but he's not, so when he gets back to the base, there's a Mickey 8. Which is apparently an abomination, you can't have two of you, and all kinds of craziness ensues as they figure out what the heck to do. There's creatures, moral dilemmas, creative worldbuilding, and I laughed. A LOT. 

Everyone In This Room Will Someday Be Dead by Emily Austin
This was one of the last books I read this year and a Bryce pick that was just delightful. I laughed and snorted out loud SO MANY TIMES, looking like a crazywoman in Vermont. It is about a quirky woman who is not socially aware and suffers crippling anxiety, who somehow accidentally interviews for and gets the job as receptionist at a Catholic Church, even though she is a gay atheist. All kinds of craziness ensues, there's a mystery, and a whole lot of humanity. It was delightful. I saw a (less functional) version of myself in Gilda, the main character. I adore this book. 

How Far the Light Reaches: A Life in Ten Sea Creatures by Sabrina Imbler
This was a series of essays about the author's life that were all focused on a different sea creature that fit with moments in their life. It was beautifully written, and I learned about sea creatures, and it was window into Sabrina's lived experiences. 

Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett
Ooooh, this book was so much fun. Guess what? A QUIRKY researcher with QUESTIONABLE SOCIAL SKILLS is the main character, and she is traveling to catalogue and interact with faeries on this island that is probably maybe Nordic? These are not sweet flower fairies. These are, largely, malevolent faeries and she is like "cool, I'm going to put myself in the middle of all this" and is doing great when another professor, who is super charismatic and charming (TOO much so) comes to "rescue" her and she is pissed. But they get into adventures and it's a delightful romp of cozy dark magic and academia and the two main characters are just charming. The second book comes out this month. 

That's it! Here are pictures of my whole list, but I am pretty pleased with my reading life in 2023.

What were your favorite books this year?

A Different Perspective on 2023 Goals

Every year on New Year's Eve we review the goals that we set for the year and see how we did, and then we make new ones sometime the first week of January. 

This is the second year that I have found myself morose when reviewing the year, which makes me wonder if we should change it up a bit. 

I think for this year, I felt like I didn't hit a lot of my goals. Bryce did amazing and got most of the ones that were him alone. It left me feeling not so great. 

To be fair, many of Bryce's goals had to do with finishing his PhD and all the steps involved for the last pieces of a very long, 8 year journey. So while those goals were wrapped up this year, they were years in the making. 

Also to be fair, I had my total knee replacement this year, and so spent January through May being injured and trying to get ready for the surgery, and then May through the present recovering and rebuilding, like, my left leg. So gardening goals? Fitness goals? I have to give myself a bit of a pass on that. 

It made me sad though that it felt like major life changes in a positive way for Bryce, and surgery was my big accomplishment. 

Bryce said, "I think you're selling yourself short, you know. You underwent MAJOR surgery, which you chose to do at this point even though it was scary, and then you worked your ass off to recover and PT and get yourself up and running. That's not a small thing." 

I appreciated it very much, because up until then, I was thinking, "Great. My biggest accomplishment is a surgery someone else performed on me, how freaking passive is that?" 

But he's right. I did see the initial specialist in January of last year and was basically told to suck it up buttercup and that I was way too young for a total knee replacement, and to just limit all of my activities. I could have listened to him. I could have resigned myself to pain and sedentary nonsense. Instead, I went and sought out a different specialist, a surgeon a colleague had seen and gotten her own TKR from at about my same age. And he said, "Oh yeah, your knee is complete trash. If you decide to go ahead, you can have a new knee this year." (paraphrased ever so slightly)

So, it was my decision. It was an empowering thing. And it WAS scary. I watched an animated video of the surgery that was very impersonal and removed yet still terrifying, and then it autoplayed into an ACTUAL LIVE PERSON SURGERY, and I still did it. I CHOSE to move forward. Even though it was a horror show.

I also have to keep in mind that it has ONLY BEEN SIX MONTHS. I had my old, decrepit knee taken OUT OF MY BODY with power tools and had a new, titanium model malleted in really not that long ago at all. 

And I was able to hike when we went to Vermont, up a slippery, rocky, narrow hill trail, and it felt GREAT. And not just because of my amazing surgeon. He could have done a great job, and if I didn't work hard to get it to bend and literally rebuild my quad muscle from nothing, and fight through the pain and discomfort, I wouldn't have been able to do that. 

Bryce is so good at reframing things and seeing a different perspective that pulls me out of a self-flagellating funk, not just for my knee but also when we ended our fertility journey. It was a similar conversation, and he made the point that if we chose to end our home study, WE were taking control of the decision. So it was a choice, a moment of empowerment, instead of just a passive thing. 

I can be really hard on myself. I'm so fortunate to have Bryce to help me check my sense of reality and to remind me of my strength when I sell myself short.