Positive Brain Dump

I have a bunch of posts percolating, but today I just feel... demoralized. I am so disheartened by what's happening in the United States, by the stripping of freedoms, the LITERAL rewriting of history, the cuts to funding in all the areas that make a place desirable to live (medical research, education, libraries, vaccine development, stuff that means you CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE)... I am taking advantage of my time to go to 5calls.org and call my Congressional representatives daily, but the active topics page has reached FIFTY things. FIFTY. It feels awful trying to pick which one or two I'll call about today. I could keep going on and on, but instead... 

I'd like to do a brain dump of 20 positive things or things that bring me joy that I can think of in a short period of time (but not timed, because timers stress me out): 

1. The spring peepers are out

2.  I have a snuggly cat purring next to me

3.  I went for a drive for the first time tonight

4.  The Surgeon was really happy with my knee healing and progress

5.  It was (briefly) warmer today

6.  The daffodils on the hill on the side of my house are blooming

7. I didn't know that Van Gogh painted more than one Starry Night painting, and there are others in the series that are just as beautiful if not more in my opinion

8. I love the puzzle I'm working on ("Midnight Moths" by Elena Essex)

9.  I can go up stairs pretty normally now

10.   There's a gluten free almond ring coffee cake on the table, and gluten free double stuf Oreos in the pantry

11.  I love the new cooling sheets I got recently, they are cozy and airy all at once

12.   Bryce is going to help me set up and stain my new window box planters for the deck

13.  The planters are going to make a "deck meadow" along the periphery of our deck with pollinator friendly plants

14.   The idea of sitting in an Adirondack chair, surrounded by meadow flowers, is highly appealing right now

15.  The orchid I was given for my birthday in 2021 is reblooming multiple times a year thanks to Bryce's attention

16.  It's been blooming for months straight

17.  The sliding glass door off our living room makes a perfect place for plants and it looks sort of like a botanical garden wall which is delightful

18.  I love my house, it is so cozy

19. When Eggi gets ahold of her catnip fish pillow, she hugs it to her and rubs it all over her face like it's her baby

20. Making this list actually has made me feel appreciably happier and lighter. 

Huh, interesting! Go make your own if you so choose! 

Thinking Ahead to the Future

The future is an uncertain place...but lately it seems even more uncertain than ever. Things that I thought I could count on (democracy, social security, my job's long-term reliability) are looking more ephemeral by the day. 

So, reading Mali's post "Ageing Without Children: Self-Motivation Needed" made me think about our own situation. 

Thinking about future planning for aging seemed pretty far away. Bryce just turned 51 and I am turning 49 in May, and we realized it's actually not as far in the future as it seems. So, here are my musings:

- As a teacher, technically I can retire at 55. which is only 6 years away (what the hell!). For perspective, 6 years ago I was already 2 years out of childless-not-by-choice resolution. Now, this is a bit more complicated because I didn't become a full-fledged teacher until my early 30s. For retirement, you can retire at 55, but you get full benefits with 30 years of service. Before that, it's prorated. I am in one of the only remaining professions with a pension, and I eked in at Tier 4, which is the most beneficial NYS retirement tier. I am super lucky for that. To get 30 years of service, I have to teach until my 60s.  That wasn't something that bothered me at all, until everything about teaching became uncertain with attempts to shutter the Department of Education and concerns about funding (especially for special ed) and school budgets facing shortfalls and a teacher contract that is up for renegotiation in 2027. I have hit eligibility for healthcare upon retirement, so I could do that without penalty at 55. So now we weigh the risks of retiring before 30 years to secure healthcare, or taking the risk that that goes away if I wait to have full benefits at 30 years. Sigh. 

- The rest of our retirements is investments, 401(k), my 403(b), and rollover IRAs. So... currently we just don't look at those statements because it's all awful from the turmoil of current events. Hopefully it recovers. 

- We have started going through the house and reducing "things." Streamlining what comes into the house to what is necessary, what will help us be organized, and what is aligned with our values. We've been in our home since December 2018, and we absolutely love it. It has seen me through two total knee replacements, and while it is a "treehouse" and is taller than it is wide, the (very bougie sounding) elevator has saved my ass multiple times. The fact that the downstairs bedroom is entirely accessible helps a lot. But, eventually, we will also want to move to something with fewer stairs, something a bit smaller. Maybe an end unit of a side-by-side condo where we can have some gardening, but we don't have to worry about mowing or shoveling or any of that. Maybe a tiny house (or small compound of themed tiny homes) in a meadow somewhere where we live with our books and music and cats and get chickens and goats or something. 

- We have been watching "Man on the Inside" on Netflix. It's about an older widower (the wonderful Ted Danson) who is in a lonely rut after the death of his wife, and answers an ad to be a spy on the inside of a retirement community to help a private investigator solve a string of thefts. It's funny, and heartwarming, and yesterday it made me cry. It's not an assisted living place per se, everyone has their own apartment, but there's a dining hall and activities and nursing care, as well as a memory care wing that looms like a door you go into and never go out. Yesterday, I felt like...maybe that's not such a bad thing for when you are older and living alone is isolating. You have less care to worry about, and you have social connections that keep you going. Of course, it also tends to cost thousands of dollars per month, and you own nothing. But, it seems like perhaps it's not the worst thing if you find a nice place for active older adults. Having children doesn't guarantee that you'll have people visiting. But NOT having children definitely makes the prospect of aging feel scarier, lonelier, more isolating. Maybe a place like that would ease those worries. 

Of course, we are nowhere near those kinds of decisions. We need to figure out how we can make the most of the years of our lives where we're active, and independent, and have the ability to do fun things. I have two new knees for a reason! It's always a good idea to have those thoughts and plans in the corners of the mind though -- time marches on and it stops for nobody. 

We're not promised that we'll get to those "golden years," so we have to live it up in the moment. If we are fortunate enough to have a comfortable old age together, it would be nice to know that we prepared and planned for it. 

Where My Mothering Energy Goes

Wednesday marks Five Weeks since my knee replacement. FIVE! It is insane that it has both been that long and that short. My leave from work is 12 weeks long. Which means, next week is the halfway point. That is absolutely incomprehensible to me. 

I have turned a corner, which means I am not in constant pain anymore and my meds schedule has become much more streamlined and manageable (Tylenol, ibuprofen starting tomorrow, and oxy only at night when the bones, they make me cry). I am far more independent and mobile -- I don't need my cane in the house anymore, and I use it on the not-so-frequent-occasion that I am out of the house (which has been a total of 3 times -- once for my post-op appointment, once to go out to dinner with my dad, and once to go to our Friday night Maria's in person for the first time this past weekend). I use it on non-rainy-day walks to the mailbox, too. What a wildwoman I am. I am able to cook dinner, and do laundry, and do very exciting things like clean out the bathroom cabinets, organize toiletries, and switch my clothes over from winter to spring. Again, someone rein me in! I'm ca-raaay-zzzyyyy! 

The biggest challenge currently is that I am going freaking stir crazy from not being at school. It's been interesting, because not having that all-consuming piece of my life has freed up a ton of time and mental space. It has made me actually organize things, because other things can take priority. But good god do I miss my kids. 

I used to hate it, absolutely go beserker, when people said "well, your students are your children" as we were struggling to expand our family beyond the two of us and cats. I felt like, HOW DARE YOU insinuate that my job can take the place of my own children! I used to say very snarky things like, "Oh yes, everyone dreams to have a group of 13-14 year olds at the same time with hormones flaring, neurodivergent quirks, and behavior challenges. THE DREAM!" And other times I would say, "yes, well, I love them while I have them, but they don't go home with me and I don't get them for the duration. It is NOT the same." 

I still maintain that it is not the same as having my own children. However, I concede that my students are the recipients of most of my mothering energy. I put just shy of everything I have into my groups each year, whether they are "easier" or "very challenging." I (appropriately) love on my kids every year. I will advocate fiercely for them. I will do my best to have them be better humans when they leave me than when they came in, to varying degrees of success. I hold them to high expectations but also want them to have fun, to be kids, and to grow into the young adults they resemble when they head off to high school. My nurturing energy just flows from me to them, and I am very very proud of knowing my kids, fighting for my kids, and supporting my kids towards greater independence. I partner with families and feel insanely proud when I'm considered part of their "village." 

I also am very grateful that I can come home and have quiet time with Bryce and our cats and not have to split my energy between my students and my own children. I would have been loathe to admit that when deep in the struggle, but I truly believe that I can give so much to my learning community BECAUSE I don't have children of my own. 

So you can imagine, it's been very, VERY hard to be away from all that. It's like a major piece of my identity is on hold. 

But, I am so very lucky that I have the best long term sub in the universe. He is working so hard to keep that connection going, to give me updates, to relay messages from my kids to me so I don't feel like I'm out in the cold. When I'm there, we spend a small chunk of time every Monday 1st period doing "Weekend News." I borrowed this idea from another educator, and it is worth every single minute of the time it takes from direct instruction. Everyone, kids and adults in the room alike, gets 1-2 minutes to share something about their weekend. It can be literally ANYTHING. For one student, it is almost always "Friday I had pepperoni pizza. I watched the football game. I hung out at my grandma's house. And...yeah." Which I love. Over time, the students learn about each other and learn that the adults are humans too. It encourages active listening. And, it is always okay to pass if you're not feeling it. It is also okay to rescind your pass at the end if you decide you DO want to share something after all. I asked the kids once if they thought it was worth the time, and it was a resounding YES. They like that they can share about their lives. Sometimes my students are very very honest and are like "I like that it slow rolls Monday and we have less time for class stuff." Ha! It is so important for connection, and will always be a priority for me. 

So.... starting the first Monday of my leave, I do a Weekend News video Monday morning! I actually set an alarm for it so it comes in during homeroom. I share a little about what's going on, and the kitties, and ups and downs. And then they share right back, which fills my bucket. 

I have nefarious plans to work around the policy that you cannot "step foot on school property" while on leave. When it is nicer out, I am going to have Bryce take me to the driveway outside my classroom door so that I can briefly visit without stepping out of the car, so that I am following the rules (I haven't stepped foot, haha) but can say hi in person. May 19th is just so far away. 

This continued connection is such a gift, and not one every sub would be willing to entertain. It gives that mothering energy a place to go while I'm out recuperating. 

Birthdays As a Family of Two

Last week was Bryce's birthday. Obviously we couldn't go out to dinner (titanium knee), so it was a low key celebration. 

I actually started it the night before, because he'd had a rough day and so had I, a lot of it from the general state of things and feeling like perhaps we are living in a speculative fiction novel.I was like, "that's IT, we're doing a Birthday Eve present!" I had two cards, one sweet and a bit mushy for the actual day, and another one that was ridiculous and funny. So, I gave him one card and one present as an appetizer of sorts. 

Amazing Etsy find at LittleMapleShop cracked us both up! 

Another Etsy find (TheArtOfManyThings), THE BEST. 

It was a lovely way to kick things off and have a little joy in the midst of what sure feels like End Times. 

The next day, actual birthday, we had a tasty Hello Fresh meal, and then surprise cake (I enlisted a friend to pick up and drop off a slice of carrot cake for Bryce and a slice of GF golden cake with buttercream frosting). Then, my favorite part --  the giving of the prizes! 

I pretty much furnish Bryce's wardrobe collection of Dungeons & Dragons t-shirts. He is a Dungeon Master for a group of guys, which is a terrific social and creative outlet. So if course, I had to get him another one (Etsy, this one from DragonbornDesign). 

What a handsome DM!

My favorite thing that was so silly was this: a Spookula umbrella. Is it not the absolute best? 

Yes yes, open umbrella in the house, had luck, blah blah. 

Finally, the best candles ever -- Nubble Light Candles from Maine. For Bryce, they smell like home. 

Two Mornings at the Lake, which smells like coffee and camp, a Lost in the Pines, which is Maine forest all the way, and Beach Bonfire, which is exactly as it sounds. 

It is so wonderful to be able to have a low key birthday celebration just the two of us. We don't need much, and everything is practical yet quirky. A lot of couples I know with kids have rushed birthdays, and prioritize their kids' celebrations so their own are minimized. 

We don't have kids, so we make our own rituals and celebrate each other pretty thoroughly. We are a family of two (plus cats), and we do everything we can to squeeze as much love and joy out of our time as possible. We have fun and, in a way, treat ourselves as our own kids. 

We are definitely reaching a point where the sadness of not getting to parent is pretty well balanced with a hearty appreciation of and gratitude for the life we get to live, just the way it is right now. 

Surgery Bloopers

I can't imagine going through life without a sense of humor. It really makes everyday life, but especially inevitable foibles, so much more entertaining. What's that quote? Trauma + time = comedy? There were a few bonkers moments in my hospital experience.

1) My surgeon does not do general anesthesia for a total knee replacement. Instead, both times I got a nerve block, a spinal, and sedation. Last time they said, "you won't feel anything because of the spinal, but we'll make you nice and sleepy for the procedure." To which I replied, "no no-- I see those power tools over there! You will make me ASLEEP!" And they did. 

This time, I had the spinal, and the anesthesiologist put the sedation in my IV (thankfully I'd already had a bit for the nerve block), and was like "night-night!" 

But, THERE WAS NO NIGHT NIGHT. He kept futzing with the IV, and muttering, and I was very much awake. My ridiculous veins made my IV not so effective. So, they set up the blue sheet that I associate with every TV c-section... Awake. I could feel tugging as they positioned my knee... Awake. The anesthesiologist was visibly upset as he adjusted the IV, and I repeated my very-much-aloud mantra "I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE I'M AWAKE!" while the surgical team STARTED IN ON MY KNEE. I fell asleep before I could hear any power tool sounds or see blood spatter on the blue screen, and I legitimately couldn't feel anything, but THEY TOTALLY STARTED CUTTING WHILE I WAS STILL AWARE. I think right before I went dark, I hollered, "Dude, THIS IS NOT A C-SECTION!" In recovery, my surgeon checked in on me. I asked, "did you start cutting when I was awake???" And he said "yup." 

I wasn't mad, it is kind of cool that you can't feel any of that answer apparently some (possibly psychotic)  people WATCH, but I did say, "that's messed up." Bleccchhhh.

2) In immediate recovery, you still can't feel anything. They don't move you until you can wiggle your toes and feel your feet. Blissfully, it takes a while before you can feel the horrors of what was done to your leg. The last part of you to regain feeling is your pelvic region.

Last time, I said I had to pee and two nurses supported me walking to the bathroom attached to my room. I day down and realized I had peed already... There was a puddle trail leading from the bed to the toilet. The nurses said it happens all the time, but it was still embarrassing. And it is insanely weird to use toilet paper on an area you can't feel at all -- like you're wiping a mannequin's nethers instead of your own. 

So this time, I wasn't in the cushy room area, they had me in the PACU extended stay around the corner from recovery (Post Anesthesia Care Unit). The bathroom was right across the hall, but it was shared and the pathway was public. I got excellent, fast care so the fact that the ambience wasn't posh mattered not a bit to me, but the bathroom situation was less than ideal.

I sat in my bed, talking with Bryce, when my leg started to itch. I scratched at the bandage (they ace bandage your ENTIRE LEG like a mummy), and my hand came away...wet. Oh holy jeezum. I slowly realized that I had full on emptied my bladder in bed, WHILE TALKING TO PEOPLE, and couldn't feel it. They had to change my sheets, change my bandaging, change my gown. I was mortified. 

A little while later I walked to the bathroom (with the support of a nurse and a walker), and realized I was dribbling my way across the public hall. Nooooo! It was at this point I was offered adult Pull-ups. I took them, and made some lame joke about how this was a glimpse into my future, very sexy. I didn't end up "needing" the extra protection, but it did give me be peace of mind. I felt more dignified knowing that should I spring a leak again,  I'd be covered. Amply, and with much crinkling.

If those were the only two things to go awry, I count myself lucky! I do enjoy that horrifying and/or embarrassing moments can later become at most hilarious, and at least good stories. Life is never boring.

You Know What to Expect

It's different going into a total knee replacement having already had one. One of the most frequent encouragements I got before going out on medical leave was, 

"But you know what to expect this time! It will be easier!" 

Um, true. And also...not. 

Positives of knowing what to expect: 

- I was prepared with all the things I need for recovery -- the Cold Rush ice machine with knee pad, the countertop ice maker to keep up with ice demands, lots of stretchy wide-leg pants I can pull up for wound inspections by doctor and PT, water bottle, books, word searches, headphones, body pillow, setting up the downstairs bedroom, inspecting the elevator (ugh, sounds so bougie, but the downstairs was built wheelchair accessible, so we have an "elevette" that is terrifying but also VERY convenient for surgeries, and actually the doors are all wider and the bathroom has more maneuvering space). 

- Bryce was prepared for what he needs to do to help take care of me when I'm not yet independent. This was really hard last time as I had the hematoma and medication snafus and way more inflammation than I needed to deal with.

- We can tweak things that could have been better last time -- like meds management (Bryce made a spreadsheet this time and is the "home pharmacist," because it's a good idea to have those on narcotics maybe not be in charge of keeping track of them, at least at first!). 

- I have knowledge about what impeded progress and caused inflammation last time -- I know not to overdo the ROMTech range of motion bike thing, I know to ice, lots, I know to listen to my body better, and I know that bending is hard, but straightening is harder. Lots of putting pillows under my calf, not my thigh. (It's paying off!)

- We knew to advocate for the Celebrex and Gabapentin from the get-go, and didn't take no for an answer when it looked like maybe it was going to be a clusterfuck again.

- I requested my same home PT team, since they were phenomenal last time. Guess what? You can TOTALLY request things like that!

You would think all this preparation would make me a lot calmer. But...

Negatives of knowing what to expect: 

- I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. I remembered the pain of the nerve block, the fear around the spinal. I remembered the weird sensation of having to walk without totally feeling my feet, and thinking that they put me in a waterbed because my ass was numb for hours (Fun Fact: your pelvic region is the last part of you to regain feeling, which is INSANELY WEIRD in the bathroom. Use your imagination.). I remembered the horrors of mismanaged pain. I remembered difficulties sleeping. I remembered pain, and pain, and pain. 

- This meant that my anxiety levels were soaring the days before surgery. I was literally on edge and teary and panicky all the way until they first gave me a little sedation with the nerve block. It was ROUGH. So much anticipatory anxiety.

It reminded me of when I was going in for my last handful of embryo transfers. Some clinics will give you a valium because it helps with relaxing your cervix. I advocated for it for that reason, but also because I was an absolute wreck every time by that point (should have been a clue maybe it was time to stop). I would see that flash of the embryo(s) entering my uterus through the pipette on the ultrasound screen, and I would just tear up and say (sometimes out loud), "Hey, little guys, I'm so sorry. You're probably going to die in there." Ooof. Just for the record, these thoughts in no way sealed my embryos' doom. We humans simply don't have that kind of power. Sorry, manifesting "think it true" folks! 

It felt terrifying to know what to expect, because so many things went wrong, both with the transfers and my first knee. But... 

This time has been so much better. I was right that having no prior scar tissue from a previous traumatic injury and surgery made it easier. I have pain, and it's hard, but the knee part is nowhere near as bad as it was the first time. Also, it's easier to advocate for my needs. Unfortunately, some things not-knee related have made it of course more complicated. I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive in the wound covering that I didn't have before. It caused a rash, and blisters, and horrible itching/burning. Hydrocortisone cream helps a bit, but the only thing that is truly clearing it up is Prednisone. UGH. I hate that med so much. It's a fast Medrol pack, so I'll sleep again soon, but blergh. Gross. Also, all the one-sidedness and weird positioning to get comfortable resulted in horrible sciatica and piriformis spasming. This was literally a pain in my ass! It was so bad that it eclipsed the knee pain sometimes. However, amazing PT for the win -- I got really great stretches and exercises to help. Also, my amazing massage therapist and friend came and did a house call! I got quality time kneading out my butt. It made a huge difference. 

I am now in that part where I'm more mobile but prone to overdo it in my desire to be more independent. I have to remind myself to slow down and not push it, because that can result in slowing down recovery. It is something else to actually have the space and time to slow down. More on that later. 

So, "you know what to expect" is a mixed bag, but it did actually make more of a positive difference than a negative one. If I had a third knee, I would tell myself those days before surgery that everything would be okay. A couple bloopers, but overall... it was way better than my brain led me to believe. 

Not-So-Quick Knee Replacement Update

I have so many posts in my head, but between the pain meds and utter difficulty being in a comfortable position to write, I figured I'd just out out a quickie to let you know how it went. 

- The three weeks before leave were intensely stressful as I tried so hard to get things as ready as possible for my sub. That meant roughly 3 days per week bring at school until 6-7 pm. Exhausting. It really sucks that I'm missing almost all of my IEP meetings; that is my biggest stressor.

- My sub is amazing. I left with full confidence that he would take great care of my kids. He has sent me videos of each student presenting their final Giver project. They absolutely adore him and he is keeping us connected, which is such a gift. 

- The actual surgery went well. I had insane anxiety the day before and the day of, but it went well and some things went better. More on that later. I spent the night and pain management was excellent.

- I did have to fight for it, annoyingly, but I did get the gabapentin and celebrex at discharge that made such a difference when I finally got them last time. 

- Initially I was doing great -- far more mobile and independent than last time. 

- Initially is the key word. Last Friday I developed an allergic skin reaction to the wound covering glue. I had to go to an in person appointment, and they didn't want to remove it early (usually 2.5 weeks ish, or when it falls off), but the reaction necessitated it. So then I got 9 steri strips (mini blinds for my incision!) with the assurance that the adhesive is different. 

- Not different enough. I am looking at a course of steroids (noooooo, devil pills!). The rash is spreading. Ugh.

- Over the weekend, my back started to bother me. And my butt, like sciatica. I had pain radiating down my leg and up to where my kidney is. So I was terrified that the meds were making my kidney fail. Ha. Nope, my piriformis muscle deep in my ass is seizing, and it's impacting the sciatic nerve and so much more.

- Monday I called the home healthcare nurse line about the pain, which was eclipsing my knee pain. She suggested I call my Ortho office and get a muscle relaxer. Sounds easy, right? Ortho nurse said "we don't treat backs" and I said "but it's my back/butt BECAUSE OF THE KNEE," and she said regardless they don't prescribe for back pain, I'd have to call my primary care. Oh yes, because that went great the last time I needed medication related to my major surgery.  His office said I'd have to come in in person because drugs. 

- I made an appt but also had PT this morning and wanted to see her thoughts. She was awesome and took me through stretches and adjusting my gait and the placement of my Range of Motion bike. It was a relief. I'm going with those functional things and I cancelled my doctor's appointment because I didn't want another med anyway. And the anticipation of uninformed discussion of my pain management plan was causing me not a little anxiety and overwhelm.

So...better, then worse,  PTs are the bomb.com, and Bryce is an amazing support. My dad, too, who has been able to be pinch hitter when meetings clash with appointments, which is pretty much always.

Guess that wasn't short but here it is. Tomorrow I get my nifty mobile standing desk thingy that looks amazing and will allow me to type on my laptop in comfort, on the couch or in bed. Tomorrow is two weeks from surgery. It feels like a freaking lifetime. But still, in most ways, better than last time.