Unbecoming

I forgot when exactly it started, but there is a teacher at my middle school who decorates the staff bathrooms at the start of each month. I'm not sure if she just does the ladies' room, or if she sneaks into the men's' as well, but there is a new inspirational quote on the inside of the stall doors every month, affixed with festive washi tape. 

I don't always love them, because sometimes toxic positivity sneaks its way in masquerading as "inspirational," and sometimes the December ones forget that not everybody celebrates Christmas, but overall they are a lift to the day. 

I absolutely love the one that is on the lefthand stall right now. I think about it every time I go to pee, which, as a teacher, is maybe twice a day. I meant to take a picture today, but I forgot. So, here it is (emphasis mine): 

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. 

Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you." 

- Paulo Coelho

Oooooooh. Isn't that a good one? I love that. The older I get, the less beholden I feel to the idea of becoming something new, and more attracted I am to unbecoming and being more authentically ME. I have spent a lot of time being someone else to fit in or meet an arbitrary milestone in my life. How freeing is it to flip things and to think, "you know what? I think I will unbecome until I am truly, unapologetically, authentically me." 

The full quote, when I looked it up because I don't bring my phone into the staff bathroom, is: 

"Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." (also Paulo Coelho)

I do struggle a bit with the phrase "meant to be" even in this context, so I am partial to what's printed on the slip of paper taped to the inside of the bathroom stall. 

Here's to unbecoming more in 2025.  

The Books of 2024

I'm paring down my New Year's rituals, because lately they have become less tradition and more unhelpful stress-inducing exercises that I feel compelled to do. So, byeeee. 

One that is staying is the annual Cataloguing of the Books, where I take my Google Keep Lists and get the books down into my journal by month, and then analyze my reading habits. It's fun to see the mix of genres and authors, the patterns that come up, the best books and the meh books.

Could I do this in GoodReads? Sure. Except I suck at GoodReads. I'm not sure why it becomes a chore for me, and I can't really figure out how to be "social" on it (and I'm unsure if I want to, ha). But then, when Bryce does his yearly Christmas Book Flood, I have to share with him my lists of books I've read in Keep, and I have to try to keep my as-of-yet unread books in the same place so he can check. Kudos to Carrie, the bookseller at The Dog Eared Book, because she was able to say "I'm pretty sure she's read that book or has that book" to a couple Bryce picks...and she was right! A few years ago I asked Bryce to only order my books from The Dog Eared Book, because a) small woman-owned business, b) she's the most amazing bookseller who will find you anything and if she can't get it will direct you to where you can, c) she has incredible recommendations, and d) I would rather not give my book money to the corporate monster that is Amazon. The last time I was in, I talked about my shitty GoodReads usage, and she (once again) BLEW MY MIND. She said, "What about The StoryGraph? It's not owned by Amazon like GoodReads, it's Black-woman-owned, and it gives you all kinds of data." I downloaded the app immediately, and I feel like this may actually simplify my life and thrill me with charts and graphs galore about my reading habits. 

I think I will keep my Keep lists, but I bet the annual compiling will be a bit faster next year! AND I will have page counts.  

So... my 2024 reading year in numbers: 

• 82 books read
• 71 fiction, 11 nonfiction
• 65 adult, 17 young adult/middle grade
• 13 Bryce picks & prizes (for birthday, Christmas, or just because)
• 20 from Book of the Month Club
• 20 Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Speculative fiction
• 20 repeat author and/or continuation of a series
• 16 Twisty 
• 11 Horror 
• 5 Historical Fiction 
• 4 Memoir
• 3 Graphic Novels

I looked at my reading for diversity, which can be challenging because what's the criteria? Is it authors with identities different than mine? Is it race? Gender? Sexuality? Disability? All of the above? What if the author is writing about characters but is not themselves of the community? I think it's super important to read lots of experiences and perspectives that don't reflect your own identities. I think if more people did that we'd have a kinder, gentler world. 

So, 28 books fit this category. 

Interesting patterns: I read 3 completely different twisty books that featured true crime podcasts. 

                                 I read 7 books centering on mental health.

Winner for Most Disliked Book: Hush Little Baby by Suzanne Redfearn.
It was about escaping domestic violence, particularly tricky when the abusive husband is a police officer, but I just did not like the main character. I didn't like how she treated the people who tried to help her. It tainted the book as a whole. 

Winners for Weirdest Books: 

Our Wives under the Sea by Julia Armstrong

Death Valley by Melissa Broder

Our Share of Night by Mariana Enriquez

9 Books that were Memorable Because They Stuck With Me (but didn't quite make the top 4)

• The Other by Thomas Tryon -- Winner for most disturbing and troubling book. Twin boys live on a farm and trouble/death seem to follow them wherever they go. One twin in particular seems more "evil" than the other, and the horrible things that follow in their wake get worse and worse as you slowly realize what's actually going on. SO disturbing and downright gross, but thinky. 
   
• Bloom by Delilah S. Dawson -- Runner up for most disturbing but also absorbing, hard to talk about this book without ruining some things, but I'll try!  Basically, a woman who is sort of floating through life becomes mesmerized by a woman who runs a botanical booth at a farmer's market that also sells cupcakes and soap. She is slowly enveloped into this magnetic woman's world, and the deeper she gets, the more disturbing things become. It reminded me a lot of the story of Bluebeard and his wives. But more stomach-turning. 
  
  
• Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armstrong -- so hard to categorize, because a woman whose wife has returned from a deep sea scientific expedition that went wrong slowly witnesses the unraveling of her wife and the ways that experience changed her. It has two timelines -- the return and weirdness, but also the expedition and how things went weird. 
  
  
• Miracle Creek by Angie Kim -- an immigrant family that runs a therapeutic hyperbaric chamber business out of a barn on their property deals with the aftermath of an explosion that kills and injures clients -- including young people. Who is behind the disaster, that is suspiciously not looking like an accident? How does it tear the community apart? What are parents capable of when it comes to protecting their children? 
  
  
• The School for Good Mothers  by Jessamine Chan -- This was a book that I didn't fully love, but that my brain keeps returning to. The imagery, the way the story unfolds, it's insanely disturbing and effective. A woman gets caught leaving her baby alone in the house to run a brief errand in a time when the government gets to decide if you are worthy of parenting your child or not, and what constitutes a mistake worthy of removing the child from your care. She has to go to the School for Good Mothers where she is tasked with increasingly difficult and emotionally manipulative tasks with an android child, constantly observed and found lacking. It explores the disparity between how men and women are treated when they make mistakes, and while speculative, looks at the practice of child removal and what constitutes reunification. 
  
  
• Battle Royale by Koushun Takami -- This was a Bryce pick that he was nervous about because it is a beast at 627 pages, and it is insanely brutal. This edition was re-released in 2009. It's in a futuristic Pan-Asian world where they sacrifice one 9th grade class for something like the Hunger Games, where the goal is to kill everyone else and the winner gets everything, except here no one is called in a lottery or volunteers. You are basically drugged on a school bus and arrive on an island in a nondisclosed location and then given the rules, a weapon, and then are sent out one by one. People die before it even starts because it's the government running it and if you are questioning things...you die as an example. To keep people from just hiding, everyone has a collar that will explode if they are in a "forbidden zone," and more and more of the island becomes a forbidden zone as time goes on to keep it exciting for the population watching. And, like any good dystopia, nothing is truly what it seems. It was so, so good but also... harsh. 
  
  
• Olivetti by Allie Millington -- I hugged this book when I was done. It's middle-grade/young adult, and told from the perspectives of both a boy whose mom has disappeared, and a sentient typewriter that holds her secrets. Very weird, but also beautifully written and such a unique idea.
   
• You'll Leave This World With Your Butt Sewn Shut by Robyn Grimm -- This book called out to me at The Dog Eared Book and I finally picked it up. It's all about death: the dying, the post-dying, the funeral business, the different ways to deal with a body. It was FASCINATING. I kept trying to read tidbits to Bryce, but he is very squeamish about this stuff so he begged me not to. I lent it to my best friend who shares a similarly morbid sense of curiosity, and she loved it. 
  
  
• Sundial by Catriona Ward -- This book was amazing in that you were constantly trying to figure out what the hell was going on and it was always not what you thought. I really can't say anything about it without ruining something, but it has a disturbing mother-daughter relationship, the idea of "a bad seed," returning to roots as a way to heal but also...maybe not, and dogs. There is some violence with dogs that was disturbing but it totally serves the story and isn't gratuitous, but that might make it a no-go for some. Very good and I think about it, a lot. 

TOP FOUR BOOKS of 2024: 

1. The Wedding People by Alison Espach.
   I reviewed it when I read it here, but basically it is a highly accurate depiction of the emotions associated with going through IVF to no avail...the grief, the gallows humor, the "what do I do now?" feeling. It is also very, very funny and a just beautiful slice of humanity. It does surround itself around a suicide attempt, which can be difficult for some, but man is it a hopeful, beautiful book. 
   
   
2. Somewhere Beyond the Sea by TJ Klune.
   I was so nervous to read this follow up to The House in the Cerulean Sea, because that is damn near a perfect book. It was a literary hug, and a must read if you work with kids, especially "challenging" kids (in my opinion at least). So how could this follow up compare? Good news! It was just as good, and perfect for these uncertain times when people are persecuted for not being whatever "in the norm" means. So much power of found family. So much sensitive exploration of trauma, adult and child. SO SO GOOD. And there's a yeti named David! 
   
   
3. Lula Dean's Little Library of Banned Books by Kristen Miller.
   This was a book that was recommended by a friend at school, and she lent it to me. I am so glad she did. Basically, a lady in the south makes banning books at school board meetings and town board meetings her reason for existing, and in the fight she puts out a little free library full of "appropriate" things like debutante guides, and Confederate histories, and chaste romances. Except... someone in the town has quietly swapped the books in the jackets out for the banned books, and when people take books out they definitely do not get what they expected. New titles include LGBTQ+ stories, erotic cake cookbooks, true stories of activism, anti-racism, and feminism. It turns the town upside down in the best possible way and introduces you to a cast of characters that are just delightful. It also makes clear the importance of stories, lots of different stories, and how they can unite far more than divide. There is a scene with a cake that damn near killed me because I laughed until I couldn't breathe. Very enjoyable. 
   
   
4. Cockroaches by Scholastique Mukasonga. Ooof, this was a Christmas Book Flood book, and it was the last one I opened. It was also the first one I read. It's a memoir written by a woman who lost 37 members of her family to the Tutsi genocide in Rwanda. It starts in the late 50s with her childhood and shows how the situation developed and festered and erupted, and you go with her on this slow march towards April of 1994. She was not there when it happened, but she went after to find out more and to pay respects and honor her family. It is brutal. It is so very important. I knew a little about this time, mostly from scenes from the movie Hotel Rwanda, but to hear it told so comprehensively and so personally was eye-opening. It led me down a rabbit hole of researching what the conflict between Hutus and Tutsis was all about and why it isn't as well known as it should be. One of my favorite passages: "...I hold what's left of the lives and the names of all those in Gitwe and Gitagata and Cyohoha who will never be properly buried. The murderers tried to erase everything they were, even any memory of their existence, but, in the schoolchild's notebook that I am now never without, I write down their names. I have nothing left of my family and all the others who died in Nyamata but that paper grave." 

That's it! Here are pictures from my book journal that show every single title I read. I read less individual titles than in 2023, but I think I read more pages. I have decided not to set a reading goal for 2025, except maybe to read more widely and not be afraid of page counts. With my upcoming knee replacement and leave, I am surely going to have a little more time to get some good reading in! 

What were your favorite reads in 2024?

Take That, Toxic Positivity!

On the last day before break (a glorious two weeks!), I decided to give out pencils. It was a set I found in HomeGoods, pastel with "positive messages of kindness." I sharpened them all and then had students pick. 

The messages varied -- 

"I am powerful" 

"I am enough" 

"You look good" (didn't love that one, because appearances are over-emphasized in our society, bit it was chosen by a student who loved doing hair and nails and when she picked it up she said, "Mmmm hmmm, I DO look good!" I guess that's the best possible life for that pencil. 

"I am magical" (the student misread that as "I am majestical" which I think is a better option. anyway) 

"I am strong" 

"You've got this!" 

"I am worthy" or something like "I belong" (chosen by a student struggling with mental health who was like, "I need this reminder" which simultaneously made me warm and fuzzy AND broke my heart).

And then there was the last one. 

"Happy thoughts only"

What a scoldy message. One of my students almost picked it and then said, "I'm not sure I like that one." I said, "Nope, I don't either. It's feels like it's yelling at you. Also, that's a bunch of BS." 

At the end, everyone had their pencils, and the offending one was still there. 

So we talked about why it's okay to have thoughts that aren't happy sometimes and how it's normal and healthy to feel all the emotions, not just positive ones. 

Suddenly, I had an idea. Kids like pencils. Kids need pencils. But what do kids like to do with pencils most? 

"Who wants to break this pencil?" 

Eruptions of glee. I ended up pulling a stick to choose because everyone wanted at it. My student who loves systematically disassembling pencils and his binder case and pens won the lottery. I was like, "well, guys, you know if we want to utterly destroy this pencil, he's the one to do it!" They all agreed. 

And that's how the toxic positivity pencil met its well-deserved demise, shattered into a zillion pieces while 13-14-year-olds with pencil-murdering glints in their eyes looked on and cheered. 

Actually, It's Okay to Give Up

I was reading Mali's post on No Kidding in NZ, Success Stories, and it reminded me that I had thoughts about the "Never never never give up" quote that's so popular. 

Thanks, Mali, because my brain is a bit overwhelmed lately and I keep meaning to write a post and then poof, the time and motivation is gone. 

So, this quote. I keep seeing it everywhere. Mostly kitschy posters or signs in people's classrooms or HomeGoods stores. 

God, I hate this quote. It was such wonderful toxic positivity when I still believed I could control the outcome of my quest for parenthood with intentions, talismans, and wheatgrass. It is so hard to move forward from something when the chanting beat of never NEVER never NEVER EVER give up! Next time will work! You'll never know if you don't just KEEP GOING! 

Problem is, when you keep going until your bodily and mental health can't take it anymore, the quote rings hollow. And then perhaps you take scissors to an inspirational magnet and show it what you think about its bullshit NOW. 

Actual picture from 2017, The Year of the Imploding

So, when I see it as inspirational classroom wall decoration, I find it dangerous. 

Kids get messages all the time about chasing your dreams, and "you can do anything you set your mind to" and "if you can dream it, you can do it" and the absolute power of positive thinking. 

It's pretty hard to find inspirational posters that are about try, try, but move forward if it's unhealthy and swallowing your life. It's Okay to Quit is not exactly flying if the teacher store shelves.

Once I saw the harshest classroom poster ever to grace a catalog:

Oddly, I didn't order this one.

Good gracious. 

I'm in the middle. I say perseverance is great, but not when taken too far. It's okay to quit if something is clearly not working out for you. Sometimes the best decision is not to never never never give up, but to realize that giving up and moving forward is by far the healthier, more positive path. That, as a human, the message "you can be anything, do anything you set your mind to!" isn't as accurate as this gem I was sent: 

I wish someone had given me this wisdom when I was a teen. That optimism and hope are lovely, but sometimes it's not enough to go up against the reality that not everyone can work and work and work and meet that goal. Working towards a goal is amazing and meaningful and important, but not all goals get achieved. And it's so important to know how to cope when things don't work out. 

I think that's a positive message. 

Can't Get A Break

Have I mentioned that this school year is amazing? That my kids are insanely kind, and hardworking, and reflective? That I have (almost) zero stress relating to referrals, discipline gone awry, feeling alone and unsupported in my room? 

It's absolutely glorious. 

However, it is also for some reason one of the most tiring years, in that there is simply not enough time to get the things done that need to be done. I have a heavy lift for modifying materials for a couple of students (think adapting text to the 1st grade level with picture symbols for each paragraph, and then add in that the topics are things like the Triangle Factory Fire, Child Labor, Wounded Knee Massacre... no biggie). I have a huge range of student needs in my two co-taught classes for Social Studies 8 -- one class can have neurodivergent kids (both autism of varying degrees and significant ADHD), kids with learning disabilities, kids with behavioral struggles, and kids who have intellectual disabilities. I teach my self-contained English class, which I am very comfortable with, and then new this year is self-contained math, which is decidedly less comfortable. Lots of learning curve. I have my resource room, which is delightful, but all of it together is a LOT to manage. It feels like I am juggling and the balls are slowly being set on fire. It's all part of the job, but it's a lot this year. The day flies, but I am left feeling utterly overwhelmed by 2:40 and have had to stay until 5 or 6 (sometimes later) just to try to get on top of things. And this is with actually using my prep periods somewhat effectively! 

There's a lot of things that contribute. There are a LOT of new things all at once. 

But also... 

My right knee decided to go out on me. Like, totally collapse and leave me calling Bryce to bring me crutches at school. Couldn't put weight on it. Of course I had an appointment with the surgeon earlier that week that I cancelled because I was feeling great from the hyaluronic acid shots which were working amazingly well...until Thursday. I was told not to come in and say how great I feel, ha. But then I went in on Friday and...my knee is bone on bone for patella-femoral, and heading that way in the joint (but there are spurs from the arthritis). Awesome.

Do you see where this is going? 

I am having a knee replacement on my remaining original knee in mid-February. I will be missing a chunk of this lovely year. I am in a fair amount of pain day to day (although it's improving a bit, but I am using a dandy purple cane since I can't afford to fall). Pain is EXHAUSTING.

What the hell, body. 

It is something else to just constantly feel like my body is letting me down. Like nothing works. I'm excited to be fully bionic in my knees, but seriously WHAT THE HELL. 

I am grateful that I don't have kids, because it is a layer of finagling that I don't have to worry about. Both with having to finish my work staying late, and with taking 8 weeks off in the middle of the freaking year. I don't have that added stress. AND, I have plenty of sick time to cover my leave because I don't have to stay home with sick kids and I never took any maternity leave, which pretty much depletes your bank of days. So, silver linings? 

Wish me luck as I head back in to major surgery, knowing what it's going to be like (AAAAAA) but also knowing that after recovery it's a new lease on life. 

Again, what the actual fuck, body? 

Uncertainty

I am no stranger to uncertainty. I hate it, and have really never made peace with it. This even though infertility and adoption are incredibly rife with uncertainty. 

But now, everything is uncertain. I am worried about what's coming in January. I am worried about how much things can change, how fast. I am worried about books, and control over print, and control over information. I am worried for communities of color, and the LGBTQIA+ community. I am worried for immigrants, and people seeking asylum. I am worried about the sense that America feels very much a place of AGAINST rather than a place FOR. I am worried for librarians. I am worried about teachers. I am worried about the environment. I am worried about women. I am worried about my students and my friends' kids. I worry about the healthcare system. I worry about future availability of vaccines. I worry about mental health care. 

There is so much worry. And disappointment. And disbelief. 

I also realize that I am privileged -- that I am a white, cisgender, hetero woman. I am a woman who cannot get pregnant and so doesn't have to worry personally about choice, I am stable financially (until I am replaced by an AI teacher in the classroom). I have great health insurance (for now). I live in an area that (for now) is free from climate change disasters. I live in NY, a (for now) liberal state that has civil rights protections (for now). 

But I am worried. And filled with a sort of existential dread. 

So...what can I do? Here is how I am trying to be in this strange and horrifying time: 

- Spend little time on social media. 

- what little time I spend there, spread stories of happiness and kindness and good in the world. 

- do not engage in political crap online. No one is ever convinced of anything on social media. 

- Love my students, who are scared. Provide a safe space to talk and be themselves and learn about lives not their own. 

- Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. 

- Get out in nature. Walk in the woods. Work in the garden (even though it's being put to bed). 

- Do NOT overdose on news. Like, listen to the NYT The Daily podcast, and read a few articles, but no doomscrolling. No watching news. Limited watching of comedy news shows (although I do enjoy a Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, and Jon Stewart), because it can ramp up anxiety too. 

- Try not to doomspiral. But also balance that with vetting sources of information and figuring out when it is the right time to be truly freaked out. 

- Continue giving to the Trevor Project, Planned Parenthood, American Indian College Fund, and the NAACP Legal Defense Fund. 

- Be nice. Be as kind as possible. Spread kindness far and wide. 

I keep thinking of the Anne Frank quote, "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." 

I hope things aren't as dire as I fear. God, I hate uncertainty. 

Halloanniversary #15

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary over two weeks -- it's a little tricky when you have two anniversaries (the "legal" one and the "ceremony" one) and the dates get a little wonky for weekends. 

We have some traditions that I am so glad we keep up. 

One: The anniversary tombstone (from a catalogue, not a real one, haha). 

I've added a really nice one each year to our cemetery Halloween display for the past 3 years or so, and it is fun to see it grow.

The whole shebang.

Two: Anniversary gifts. Usually nothing too crazy, although Bryce outdid himself. 

I got Bryce this cute Halloween bat message (and the tombstone). 

He got me something I saw and loved in Boothbay Harbor this summer but was not feasible to get at the time, and he had it SHIPPED to our HOUSE! Behold, the Anniversary Puffin: 

Is he not the cutest? He's carved out of wood and perched on a lava rock. THE BEST! 

Three: Anniversary Ghoul. Every year Bryce does a pen and ink drawing for me of a ghoul, usually related to something we watched or talked about. This year, I got this: 

 

MOTHMAN! I love the creepy winghands. Amazing. 

Four: Anniversary getaway. We don't always go away, sometimes it's a nice dinner out, but this was FIFTEEN, so we went to a lovely bed and breakfast about half an hour south of us. The weekend was all about reading by the fireplace, wine, hiking, and eating good food. It's amazing that this area is so close to us, and so spectacular! 

Ahhhh, gas fireplace you can click on and off at will. 

I want this reading nook. It was so cozy. 

Golden Hour view out the reading nook window. 

We hiked in Naples, first at Grimes Glen (a pretty flat hike but a lot of rock-hopping along the stream to get to the waterfall) and then an insane trail at High Tor. 

somewhat accessible waterfall

This tree stump/root bundle is known as "The Grimes Glen Dragon" 

Heading toward Colyer's Gully in High Tor

That's the south end of Canandaigua Lake! We are sooooo high up.

No missteps, it's a looong way down

It was practically round, like a bowl! Very, um, non-guard-railed. 

Then we stopped at a scenic overlook over Canandaigua Lake that blew us away: 

It was a great trip. It was a great anniversary. It is SO important to hang on to these traditions and celebrate these milestones. We are almost to the point where we've been married and resolved as long as we've been married and trying to add to our family. 16 will be even, and 17 will be more out than in. THAT will be worthy of a celebration of its own. 

2009, old house, young us

2024, older us, new(ish) house, just as happy if not more!