Actually, It's Okay to Give Up

I was reading Mali's post on No Kidding in NZ, Success Stories, and it reminded me that I had thoughts about the "Never never never give up" quote that's so popular. 

Thanks, Mali, because my brain is a bit overwhelmed lately and I keep meaning to write a post and then poof, the time and motivation is gone. 

So, this quote. I keep seeing it everywhere. Mostly kitschy posters or signs in people's classrooms or HomeGoods stores. 

God, I hate this quote. It was such wonderful toxic positivity when I still believed I could control the outcome of my quest for parenthood with intentions, talismans, and wheatgrass. It is so hard to move forward from something when the chanting beat of never NEVER never NEVER EVER give up! Next time will work! You'll never know if you don't just KEEP GOING! 

Problem is, when you keep going until your bodily and mental health can't take it anymore, the quote rings hollow. And then perhaps you take scissors to an inspirational magnet and show it what you think about its bullshit NOW. 

Actual picture from 2017, The Year of the Imploding

So, when I see it as inspirational classroom wall decoration, I find it dangerous. 

Kids get messages all the time about chasing your dreams, and "you can do anything you set your mind to" and "if you can dream it, you can do it" and the absolute power of positive thinking. 

It's pretty hard to find inspirational posters that are about try, try, but move forward if it's unhealthy and swallowing your life. It's Okay to Quit is not exactly flying if the teacher store shelves.

Once I saw the harshest classroom poster ever to grace a catalog:

Oddly, I didn't order this one.

Good gracious. 

I'm in the middle. I say perseverance is great, but not when taken too far. It's okay to quit if something is clearly not working out for you. Sometimes the best decision is not to never never never give up, but to realize that giving up and moving forward is by far the healthier, more positive path. That, as a human, the message "you can be anything, do anything you set your mind to!" isn't as accurate as this gem I was sent: 

I wish someone had given me this wisdom when I was a teen. That optimism and hope are lovely, but sometimes it's not enough to go up against the reality that not everyone can work and work and work and meet that goal. Working towards a goal is amazing and meaningful and important, but not all goals get achieved. And it's so important to know how to cope when things don't work out. 

I think that's a positive message. 

Can't Get A Break

Have I mentioned that this school year is amazing? That my kids are insanely kind, and hardworking, and reflective? That I have (almost) zero stress relating to referrals, discipline gone awry, feeling alone and unsupported in my room? 

It's absolutely glorious. 

However, it is also for some reason one of the most tiring years, in that there is simply not enough time to get the things done that need to be done. I have a heavy lift for modifying materials for a couple of students (think adapting text to the 1st grade level with picture symbols for each paragraph, and then add in that the topics are things like the Triangle Factory Fire, Child Labor, Wounded Knee Massacre... no biggie). I have a huge range of student needs in my two co-taught classes for Social Studies 8 -- one class can have neurodivergent kids (both autism of varying degrees and significant ADHD), kids with learning disabilities, kids with behavioral struggles, and kids who have intellectual disabilities. I teach my self-contained English class, which I am very comfortable with, and then new this year is self-contained math, which is decidedly less comfortable. Lots of learning curve. I have my resource room, which is delightful, but all of it together is a LOT to manage. It feels like I am juggling and the balls are slowly being set on fire. It's all part of the job, but it's a lot this year. The day flies, but I am left feeling utterly overwhelmed by 2:40 and have had to stay until 5 or 6 (sometimes later) just to try to get on top of things. And this is with actually using my prep periods somewhat effectively! 

There's a lot of things that contribute. There are a LOT of new things all at once. 

But also... 

My right knee decided to go out on me. Like, totally collapse and leave me calling Bryce to bring me crutches at school. Couldn't put weight on it. Of course I had an appointment with the surgeon earlier that week that I cancelled because I was feeling great from the hyaluronic acid shots which were working amazingly well...until Thursday. I was told not to come in and say how great I feel, ha. But then I went in on Friday and...my knee is bone on bone for patella-femoral, and heading that way in the joint (but there are spurs from the arthritis). Awesome.

Do you see where this is going? 

I am having a knee replacement on my remaining original knee in mid-February. I will be missing a chunk of this lovely year. I am in a fair amount of pain day to day (although it's improving a bit, but I am using a dandy purple cane since I can't afford to fall). Pain is EXHAUSTING.

What the hell, body. 

It is something else to just constantly feel like my body is letting me down. Like nothing works. I'm excited to be fully bionic in my knees, but seriously WHAT THE HELL. 

I am grateful that I don't have kids, because it is a layer of finagling that I don't have to worry about. Both with having to finish my work staying late, and with taking 8 weeks off in the middle of the freaking year. I don't have that added stress. AND, I have plenty of sick time to cover my leave because I don't have to stay home with sick kids and I never took any maternity leave, which pretty much depletes your bank of days. So, silver linings? 

Wish me luck as I head back in to major surgery, knowing what it's going to be like (AAAAAA) but also knowing that after recovery it's a new lease on life. 

Again, what the actual fuck, body? 

Uncertainty

I am no stranger to uncertainty. I hate it, and have really never made peace with it. This even though infertility and adoption are incredibly rife with uncertainty. 

But now, everything is uncertain. I am worried about what's coming in January. I am worried about how much things can change, how fast. I am worried about books, and control over print, and control over information. I am worried for communities of color, and the LGBTQIA+ community. I am worried for immigrants, and people seeking asylum. I am worried about the sense that America feels very much a place of AGAINST rather than a place FOR. I am worried for librarians. I am worried about teachers. I am worried about the environment. I am worried about women. I am worried about my students and my friends' kids. I worry about the healthcare system. I worry about future availability of vaccines. I worry about mental health care. 

There is so much worry. And disappointment. And disbelief. 

I also realize that I am privileged -- that I am a white, cisgender, hetero woman. I am a woman who cannot get pregnant and so doesn't have to worry personally about choice, I am stable financially (until I am replaced by an AI teacher in the classroom). I have great health insurance (for now). I live in an area that (for now) is free from climate change disasters. I live in NY, a (for now) liberal state that has civil rights protections (for now). 

But I am worried. And filled with a sort of existential dread. 

So...what can I do? Here is how I am trying to be in this strange and horrifying time: 

- Spend little time on social media. 

- what little time I spend there, spread stories of happiness and kindness and good in the world. 

- do not engage in political crap online. No one is ever convinced of anything on social media. 

- Love my students, who are scared. Provide a safe space to talk and be themselves and learn about lives not their own. 

- Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. Read. 

- Get out in nature. Walk in the woods. Work in the garden (even though it's being put to bed). 

- Do NOT overdose on news. Like, listen to the NYT The Daily podcast, and read a few articles, but no doomscrolling. No watching news. Limited watching of comedy news shows (although I do enjoy a Seth Meyers, Stephen Colbert, John Oliver, and Jon Stewart), because it can ramp up anxiety too. 

- Try not to doomspiral. But also balance that with vetting sources of information and figuring out when it is the right time to be truly freaked out. 

- Continue giving to the Trevor Project, Planned Parenthood, American Indian College Fund, and the NAACP Legal Defense Fund. 

- Be nice. Be as kind as possible. Spread kindness far and wide. 

I keep thinking of the Anne Frank quote, "In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." 

I hope things aren't as dire as I fear. God, I hate uncertainty. 

Halloanniversary #15

We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary over two weeks -- it's a little tricky when you have two anniversaries (the "legal" one and the "ceremony" one) and the dates get a little wonky for weekends. 

We have some traditions that I am so glad we keep up. 

One: The anniversary tombstone (from a catalogue, not a real one, haha). 

I've added a really nice one each year to our cemetery Halloween display for the past 3 years or so, and it is fun to see it grow.

The whole shebang.

Two: Anniversary gifts. Usually nothing too crazy, although Bryce outdid himself. 

I got Bryce this cute Halloween bat message (and the tombstone). 

He got me something I saw and loved in Boothbay Harbor this summer but was not feasible to get at the time, and he had it SHIPPED to our HOUSE! Behold, the Anniversary Puffin: 

Is he not the cutest? He's carved out of wood and perched on a lava rock. THE BEST! 

Three: Anniversary Ghoul. Every year Bryce does a pen and ink drawing for me of a ghoul, usually related to something we watched or talked about. This year, I got this: 

 

MOTHMAN! I love the creepy winghands. Amazing. 

Four: Anniversary getaway. We don't always go away, sometimes it's a nice dinner out, but this was FIFTEEN, so we went to a lovely bed and breakfast about half an hour south of us. The weekend was all about reading by the fireplace, wine, hiking, and eating good food. It's amazing that this area is so close to us, and so spectacular! 

Ahhhh, gas fireplace you can click on and off at will. 

I want this reading nook. It was so cozy. 

Golden Hour view out the reading nook window. 

We hiked in Naples, first at Grimes Glen (a pretty flat hike but a lot of rock-hopping along the stream to get to the waterfall) and then an insane trail at High Tor. 

somewhat accessible waterfall

This tree stump/root bundle is known as "The Grimes Glen Dragon" 

Heading toward Colyer's Gully in High Tor

That's the south end of Canandaigua Lake! We are sooooo high up.

No missteps, it's a looong way down

It was practically round, like a bowl! Very, um, non-guard-railed. 

Then we stopped at a scenic overlook over Canandaigua Lake that blew us away: 

It was a great trip. It was a great anniversary. It is SO important to hang on to these traditions and celebrate these milestones. We are almost to the point where we've been married and resolved as long as we've been married and trying to add to our family. 16 will be even, and 17 will be more out than in. THAT will be worthy of a celebration of its own. 

2009, old house, young us

2024, older us, new(ish) house, just as happy if not more!

Do You Have...

This school year is going great so far-- it's just been super busy with helping my dad with his move and acclimating to Western New York from Southern California. So I disappeared a bit.

I had a parent call last week that was awkward to begin with, and the mom I talked to was saying how her son was pushing for more independence, and it was hard because she's been a single mom and they'd been a tight unit forever. 

Then she said, "do you have kids?" 

And I said, "no." Silence. "It didn't work out for me." Pause. 

Then she said, "Do you have cats?" 

AND I HAD A MOMENT OF UTTER MORTIFICATION. Did she ask me if I had CATS and I just kept on how I can't have kids??? 

So of course, being the queen of awkward, I expressed as much."Oh my god, did you ask me if I had cats and I just told you personal info you didn't ask for???" (Okay, floor, just swallow me up. Right now. Blerghhhhh.) 

She laughed and said no, she asked about kids but her son told her I had cats, and he loves cats, and they consider cats part of the family, and so it moved in a less awkward direction. 

Good gracious. Thankfully it seemed to be much more memorable to me than to her. Sigh. At least there wasn't the usual trite follow up questions or comments... I'll take "do you have cats" as a response any day! 

A Reminder of Time

There are two students in my school who I've known since before they were born. Twins, born to a friend I met at an infertility support group at our first clinic. 

They are SEVENTH GRADERS. Next year, they could be in one of my classes. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? 

It's sobering, because my friend was pregnant when I suffered my ectopic pregnancy. Briefly, we were pregnant at the same time. 

And now they are in the middle of middle school. 

It's so weird to think that I could have had a 7th grader had that pregnancy been viable, or a 6th grader had I not miscarried my second ill-fated pregnancy the following summer.

I enjoy seeing these kids about the halls of my school. I enjoy that I saw pictures of them when they were just a few cells. It's doesn't make me feel sad, which is lovely. Not so very long ago it would have.

It's just surreal that so much time has passed since our closest brushes with parenthood. 

A New Start

This was the fastest summer ever. (It was, actually, shorter than usual by a week, but it still sped by at record speed.) 

This is my current state about school starting back up: 

That, friends, is a big blanket of denial. But, tomorrow is the second day for teachers and Wednesday is the first day with students, and my room is probably 80% there but I am feeling 2% ready for some reason. This is the time when I usually start panicking that I have completely forgotten how to teach. I know I haven't, and this is my 16th year full-time in my district and my 18th year teaching (HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?), so I'm pretty sure it will all be okay. 

I do feel fortunate that I get a fresh start every year, that I can tweak things and reflect and try new stuff with a whole new group each September. 

This summer had a LOT going on: 

• Got my hyaluronic acid injection series in my non-cyborg knee and am thrilled that if I can do it again in the spring, I think I can buy time before my next replacement. 
• A summer of extremes led to the WORST gardening season of my life -- too much sun and heat, then too much heavy rain... I had a root rot container garden. So much of what I planted in the ground died, despite amending soil. It sucked. 
• Spent much of July and August apartment-hunting for my Dad, who unexpectedly (but excitingly for me) is moving here. THAT is going to be major culture shock, going from L.A. to Rochester, NY. For about a zillion reasons. But, he'll be here in about a month, and it will be the first time we've lived in the same state (much less general area) in 34 years, the first time ever as both adults. 
• Had a highly embarrassing and unexpected expense when I somehow backed my car into A PARKED CAR IN MY OWN DRIVEWAY at the start of summer, and so I will be VERY glad to have a paycheck again in a week and a half. (Then I came within about an inch of doing it again when my best friend came to visit. I apparently can't see giant silver vehicles.) I'm still sad I have a dent on the back of my car now.
• Even though it feels like I didn't do NEARLY enough, I still did a fair amount of work for school over the summer. 
• BUT, I also made plenty of time for reading and puzzles, and we finally put together the folding-leaf puzzle table Bryce got me for my birthday (It's actually really meant for a small kitchen/dining area, but it's a puzzle table to me!)
• I read 22 books this summer. My lowest number I've recorded, but this summer I decided I wouldn't shy away from big books, and read several big and/or dense books along with fun brain candy. If only I was good at goodreads and could figure out summer pagecounts!
• I saw my best friend TWICE! (Three times if you count a May visit, which is a record for us!)
• I walked, a LOT. It was so good to be able to do that again. Lots of 3-7 mile walks on rail trails and the Erie Canal trail. 

That's by no means all of it, but it was packed. I think I'm okay with having some structure and routine. (Check in with me at the end of September to see how I feel about that, ha ha.) I may be overwhelmed with paperwork, and feel like I can never catch up, but I am so very lucky to love my job. And, despite that blanket of denial, I am lucky to actually be looking forward to being back in my classroom with a new group of squirrelly 8th graders to love on and learn with.